Be a Witness: Lend a hand

23 comments

 

This one is easy and my favorite.  For some of us and at some time in our life, this world is a lonely place.  There are a few choices for us bystanders to do in response to other’s pain.  We gain tremendously from all of them.  It does not take from us to love another, it only gives us more love.

 

1.  We can simply pray for them from a distance- A great option to do no matter what.  Send them good energy does not take much out of our busy day.  We can do it anywhere and without much effort but good results can come.  (See Tongling Breath meditation where you breathe light into another who needs healing and compassion.)

2. We can offer a hand.  Walking with someone through their pain is the best thing you can do–not solving it or fixing them–but walking with them, without judgment and with compassion.

3. Listen– Being listened to fills us with a warm feeling of being acknowledged, feeling like we matter to someone.  This is what we are all striving for, and most especially when we are in pain.  We need a witness to that pain so that we exist.  Never chose to not listen to a friend because you think you are not good at knowing what to say to them.

4. We can give them space-I am against giving people space unless they ask for it.  Too many people use this excuse- that they are giving someone space- when the person is sitting there very lonely, longing for a hug, and ear, a friend.  The truth is many people are afraid of someone in pain for many reasons.  First off, it reminds them that something could happen to them, or they think they will be brought down by being around someone who is down.  (I am around people going through hard times everyday and it is not contagious. It is actually uplifting, because I am heartened by their efforts, by their resilience and diligence to improve their lives.  This motivates me, enlivens me, inspires me.)  Or more commonly, they are afraid they don’t know the right thing to say. Don’t say anything but, “I’m here.”

5. We can help them with tasks-Bringing dinner to someone when a family member is sick is a great practice.  Unfortunately there are many hardships that are often overlooked.  Like no one sends you  flowers when you get divorced, or brings you a casserole when your computer crashes, or cleans your bathroom when you’ve been fired unjustly.  I think our society would be so cool if we extended these “thoughtfulnesses” beyond births and deaths.

6. We can say “I see you”- This simple sentiment grounds people in the knowledge that they matter.  It reminds them that they are more than this situation.  It reassures them that they have skills and knowledges to get over this thing and that they do not have to do it alone.  You are noticing the good in them, there the clouds of the problem.  This person needs you to see this because it is hard for them to see right now.

7. Give a hug- Physical affection is very healing.  We can all use it.  Hold a hand, hug someone, give a kiss.  It is a win-win situation if I ever hear of one.

8. Appreciate them- Point out to them all of their lovely goodness, they need a reminder.  Just love them and tell them that you do.

9. Smile at them- Our body language does tell people how much we are available to them.  Look at them, smile nod, face them.  You know.

10. Keep record of injustices- One of my friends grew up on a farm.  She remembers when she was young, 50 something years ago, their neighbor was a victim of domestic violence.  There was nothing her mother could do in the climate of her times but ring her dinner bell so that the woman knew she wasn’t alone.  The bell was rung in solidarity.  Stick up for injustices whenever.  Keep record, since this will let those who suffer matter.

What do you do to be there for someone? 


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23 Comments

nikky44

I’m not sure what to say. Thank you.
Miles and miles away, you are giving me all of those when i couldn’t get any support from the closer people around. I say all of those even though the physical affection is not possible, but it is there, i can feel it.
Thank you Jodi, that is the best supportive document i read. Every single word touched my heart, and thank you for saying that helping is sharing the pain, not solving or fixing, because I’m really hurt when friends go away because I didn’t listen and do what they asked me to do.
Thank you.

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Just for you as usual!

nikky44

I try to be emotionally independent and strong, but i still sometimes need someone with me. There are moments, nights, when one can’t do it alone, without at least one of the points you mentioned in that post.
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Sgweaver03

Thank you Jodi again! I know these words were meant for the world but I felt you were speaking to me! Everyone of these 10 things you wrote about you have given me in this blog. Well maybe not the casserole but everything else! 🙂

nikky44

🙂

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

It was for you!

Paul

Thanks Jodi-I love this “list”. The “dinner bell” story in particular is touching

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I’m glad you liked that story, it is one of my favorites!

Beverly Diehl

As an expansion on listening, I would say, *asking* as a part of listening. When they are telling their story, don’t simply nod your head, but ask questions. *Ask* if someone would like a hug – I welcome physical contact from family, close friends, and lovers – not so much from acquaintances or strangers.
Beverly Diehl recently posted..Dammit, Whitney!My Profile

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Asking questions does make people know you care. Thanks, Bev!

Andrea

This is even important when you are the one who is in pain. It hurts when you feel all alone in the struggle….but most times it is b/c the people who love you dont know how to deal with it and are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Remembering this makes it a little less painful. It also enables you to help show the ones that care abt you, how to help you.

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks Andrea! That is an excellent point.

Kelly Hashway

I love that you mention giving them space because sometime when you want to help a friend and they just want time and space, it’s hard to honor that. Our urge to “do” something takes over. I’m one of those people who needs space sometimes, and my true friends know and respect that.
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totsymae1011

You’re a good friend. For better or worse.

Monica

#10 is awesome. It’s something I believe in and I appreciate you putting it on your list.
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Julie

Smile, yeah, smile solves just about everything in the World. Just think of small children, no matter how naughty they have been, you’ll ALWAYS forgive them. Great thoughts, Jodi!

Louise G

What a lovely list!

It reflects the loveliness of your heart.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thank you Louise!

Lisa W. Rosenberg

Thank you for this wonderful list, Jodi. I like number four especially, because it is such a present, conscious way of giving space. It’s saying I’m here if you need me.
Lisa W. Rosenberg recently posted..A Mixed Marriage in 1950My Profile

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks Lisa I am partial to it, also. Make sure I do my part. So many people want to be a good friend but are afraid they don’t know how!

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Leslie

Beautiful! I will be sharing this!
Leslie recently posted..Monday Mitzvahs: Listening and MirroringMy Profile

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks Leslie!xo


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