Getting Rid of Negative Voices In Our Heads

26 comments

The lies we tell ourselves…

Negative voices plague our minds and all too often we mistake them for “truths.” Sometimes self help coaches tell us that “feeling good is a choice,” which doesn’t make sense in this state of mind. If what we think is an unmistakable truth, how do we have choices? Truth is definitive, there is only one option.

You are stupid. You are ugly. You will never amount to anything. You’re fat.

If we believed these, there would be no hope to be any different. We can conclude that we are and will always be a failure at life.

Before anyone can see that there are other possibilities, that truth status needs to be deconstructed. Dismantled. Over years this may have become a stronghold, but if we don’t challenge these beliefs, we cannot get anywhere in our healing process. We must break them down.

negative voices and positive voices

Getting Rid of Negative Voices in Our Heads

First of all, You Are Not Alone!  We all have these voices in our heads!

1. Figure out who’s voice it is. These negative identity conclusions came from somewhere. Somewhere we got this message from outside ourselves. That person who put you down had a problem (but we won’t get into that here).

2. Write them down, clearly see them for what they are. Naming them undermines their power, takes them out of your head where you can stand back and see them from a new perspective.

3. List out or find someone to help you see other parts of you to list that run counter to the negative conclusions. What other stories are going on? This way you will begin to have preferred identity conclusions.

4. Ask someone who loves you what they think.

Here is an example from a client of mine:

The “lying” truths:

Father

  • You are stupid; You are ugly; You will never amount to anything; You’re fat; You’re a girl; You’re a sissy; You’re a wimp; Numb Nuts; You’re nothing but a big baby; You’ll never be a man; You’re Lazy; You’re wrong; You have no right to give your opinion; Anything you have to say keep it to yourself; do as I say, not as I do; as long as you live under my roof you will do and believe what I say; who are you going to believe, me or your uncle?; speak only when spoken to; shut up, I don’t care what you have to say; the next time I see you crying I’ll give you something to cry about.

Mother

  • Much of this was non-verbal: I’m too busy watching TV right now; you’re the oldest and should set a good example (what example); visiting with my sister is more important than leaving you alone after getting home from the hospital; be quiet and go to sleep; just wait until your father get’s home so he can use the belt on you; come home, pack your bags and get out

______________________________________________

The new me:

  • I am intelligent; I am innocent; I am worthy; I am empathetic; I am intuitive; I am caring; I am loving; I am giving; I am thoughtful; I am kind; I am generous; I am spiritual; I am God’s beautiful child; I am worthy of being loved and cared for; I love all of God’s creatures; I deserve to not be used and taken for granted; I am a man but with many feminine characteristics – for example I comfort my granddaughter when she cries, I hold my wife in my arms and let her cry on my shoulder when she is sad. I am still able to care for my adult children.  I bring home flowers or a loving card for no reason at all. I write love letters to my wife, I nurture my students.

One of my students made a big mistake (not unforgivable) while working for another area. She was never trained to do the job for which she made the mistake. That supervisor told me he needed to fire her which would mean she couldn’t work for me either.

I very strongly stood up for her not backing down an inch. It turned out she was only given a reprimand as a result of my objections. The next day her mother passed away and I also discovered her father was dying of cancer. I was able to point out to the other supervisor that you never know what another person is going through and what would have happened if she was fired while trying to take care of her father and then her mother died unexpectedly.

I take care of, love, our animals. I have stayed with all of our animals over the years and held them when it was necessary to put them to sleep helping them to pass over and grieved for them. — I am important enough to be heard and respected. — I am learning it’s OK to be vulnerable and show emotions. — I am able to bring comfort and hope to others who have been sexually assaulted.

I have made myself available to talk to students to about sexual abuse and rape. I participated in a workshop and was able to bond with 25 very different people within 2 days and to strengthen that bond during the rest of the week. I had a part in healing one of the participants —

I am a husband. I married at 20 and we have been together for nearly 40 years. I am a father. While in my 20’s we had 2 children and vowed to bring them up in a non-violent, loving, caring respectful way. We learned strategies to do so and our children were never spanked or had a hand laid on them in anger. — When I love someone, family or friends, it is forever even if not reciprocated.  I am willing to help people without expectations (most of the time).

Wow, he did better than I could have imagined. I cried when I read this. He is so spot on in his new identity. A gorgeous, generous, thoughtful, loving, legacy-breaking, funny, smart, talented human being. He found his Self.

Any other thoughts for our deary? 

Please share.


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26 Comments

Harleena [email protected] Writer

Wonderful Jodi!

Most of us have negative voices in our minds or something or the other that keeps us busy all the time. I guess what matters most is that we learn to cope with them and fight out those negative emotions and voices….loved the examples of your clients too.

Thanks for sharing. 🙂

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

He is a beautiful soul!

My Inner Chick

*** — I am important enough to be heard and respected.***

I love this sentence SO much. It should be shaded, underlined, and placed on everybodys’ bathroom mirror.

Love U, Jodi <3
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injaynesworld

I agree, Kim. And the most important words in that sentence are I AM.

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Mentioned this comment in my new post.:)

Louise Gallagher

Very powerful Jodi — I used to tell my daughters, “Don’t believe everything you think.”

And it’s true — everything I think is not always worthy of believing. 🙂
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

We have the capacity to think some awful things, and also the capacity to think some awesome things. It’s our choice.

injaynesworld

Not a day goes by that I don’t affirm I AM one with the creative source of the Universe. I find that aligning myself with that higher energy immediately raises my power level and ability to smack down any negative thoughts that should attempt to intrude. I find that the Universe is very efficient in giving me exactly what I believe to be so — positive or negative. By verbally choosing and creating harmony and health in every area of my life, I feel a protective light around me that is strong enough to bounce off anything that is not aligned with it.

Lovely, thoughtful and informative post, Jodi.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Jayne, powerful. I hope everyone reads this comment!

Solid gold creativity

Thank you for sharing this, Jodi. I’m crying. I feel for him as a little boy, his love and trust in the world being dashed.

I am always amazed at what pain we human beings carry around, and the miracle it is that we make our lives and create and give to others — like this man being a stand for the student, like his love and care for the animals — in the face of it.

It moves me so when I come face to face with the pain all of us carry around.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

We need a way to sponge up some of the pain. Soak it in and relieve it from people who are pained.

Laura Zera

My go-to statement for the times that the negative voices come in my head is “Hold on, give yourself grace.” It’s my reminder to be nicer to myself, and it works for me, because it stops the thoughts from running on and on.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Grace, Grace is a beautiful thing. Love it.

Scribhneoir

What a beautiful post, how lucky am I to read this on a Monday morning, a great start to my week, especially as today i am taking a day for myself. Today is my sunday this week, as we needed to work yesterday to get ahead of the weather and today i am only spending a little time doing emails, reading important things (such as this) and then switching off, spending time with me.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so touched to read the beautiful words this fine man wrote about himself. We can rise above the negative, if we have the support, time and space – may we all have all we need in these regards.

Nikky44

Maybe I should try that with my son as everything mentioned in the paragraph “the father” is what he has heard all his life.
Some of the negative voices can be eliminated for me, but some others can’t.
As a child, I used to try and prove to myself that these things were not real, and when I didn’t succeed in convincing myself, I think I have tried to “become” the person the voice said I was.
When I was criticized for being too fat when I wasn’t at all, my reaction would be to overeat until i become fat 🙁
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Yes, try it with your son. And never say “can’t”. You didn’t have the reflection back to see that those weren’t real. In the isolation, you were convinced these voices were “right.” and because on some level you knew they were wrong and failed at proving it, you felt lower. Your only protest was to become it. You don’t need to do that anymore. Now you can see that people do love you. that person the voice described is not you and never was. you know that, you’ve written as much. The only reason why you think you have to keep some is bc you think you are not worthy of forgiveness. And his voice confirmed it all. But you are innocent. INNOCENT!!!!

Nikky44

Thank you <3 <3
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