I Miss You Means I Love You

37 comments

Come see the updated version of this post with a video! I miss You Means I Love You

Missing is a common human phenomenon. I feel “missing” everyday. I miss my  family while I am working. And I miss my clients when I am home. I miss friends who live out of town. I miss my family who have passed on.

Missing people can feel painful at times when the longing feels huge and a loneliness creeps out of the darkness.

I miss you means I love you

Missing makes us feel separate, away from the one we love, un-whole, and thus un-well at times. Sometimes an undeserving aspect sneaks in. We can’t have them because we are not enough. It sounds ridiculous when said out loud but holds great power when whispered in our soul. It can feel like we lost part of our heart, or limb off our body. And we think we’d go crazy without that piece, like it is hard to breathe without it. But the air still comes in and out –much to our chagrin.

“Miss you” means loving

Missing is a longing for someone (or object) that is important to you. The intensity in which you miss, is testimony to how precious that person, or pet, or object is.  I have felt the longing so intensely that I wanted to cry every second of the day. And I often did. I found myself saying “I miss you, I miss you” over and over in my mind. Consumed by the grief yet wanting it to go away. At the same time feeling trapped by it, because it seemed impossible to escape without the presence of that precious person.

Then, while it is a regular human emotion, there seems barely tolerance in our culture to “miss.” Maybe because it scares people since everyone is so afraid of losing the one they love.  So on top of feeling alone, I felt even more alone.

Until I remembered even loss is impermanent.  And that the person is still a part of me.

It has helped me to practice re-membering (a concept by family therapist, Michael White). I think about the presence of that person’s influence on me (in me and with me). I think about these four questions:

What did he or she contribute to my life? What did he or she appreciate about me?

What did these say about who I am as a person?

What ways did I contribute to his or her life?

How did those contributions affect him or her as a person? (How did those contributions affect how he or she saw her/himself?)

Missing loved ones

This helps me connect to the love that was between us, which helps me feel more connected to the person. There can be a physical separation, but this doesn’t mean there is distance in the relationship. The relationship is wherever you are. Even if someone dies biologically, the relationship lives on. Knowing this quiets the loneliness because how can I be lonely while connected? And then I wonder, how could I have ever felt so separate? There is still love. They still love me. Isn’t that what I long for? Peace returns to my heart and mind.

anxiety test prompt

“A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam…and for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belong to our world…but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all.”

A friend of mine’s dad died in 2011, and I was asking her if the holiday season was hard. She said it is worse this year. Last year her and her family were still pacified by  gratitude that his suffering ended since the illness was so painful for him in the end.

“This year”, she said, “It is harder… I just miss him.” She said it with a face shining with love. And all I heard was the love.

Holidays are hard when you are missing someone. If this is what you are going through I want to point you to some awesome blogs who are providing a place where people can connect with other people with insider knowledge of significant loss.

This is a poem I gave to a friend in High School when her mother died.

I miss you means I love you.

“A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam…and for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belong to our world…but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all.”

When we miss, we feel separate, and when we love, we feel connected.

“How can I say I miss you when we are still sitting beside each other in the circle?”

Evelyn Prieto

Did “I miss you” ever mean “I love you” to you?

Please share.


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37 Comments

Kelly Hashway

Absolutely! My grandmother passed away this time of year and I always miss her more now. I know that’s because it’s the time of year when I remember how much I loved her and still do.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

That is beautiful, Kelly, I am sure she knows.:)

totsymae1011

You’ve gone live and whatnot. Now, I may be inclined to get some help if I saw a real comfy couch to stretch out on.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I got a comfy couch for you!

My Inner Chick

–Jodi, you are an angel.

I thank my God for your life.

Soooooo adorable in that video.

Thank you for opening up your arms and soul to the universe. Xx
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

((Bow))

Thank you. I am speechless by your words. Thank you.

Solid gold creativity

Love your contribution to the world, Jodi xx
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thank you so much. You are too kind.

Privy trifles

Oh yes I miss you for me purely means I love you for we miss someone when we just want that person to be with us and express our love to them <3

Such a lovely post at the right time as I am missing a lot of people right now and its pushing me to call them to say I Love you!
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I hope you’ve called them and I am sure it meant the world to them. Made them feel loved and worth it!

Harleena [email protected] Writer

I agree Jodi!

Missing someone means we love them that dearly so as to miss them once they leave. It reminds me of my Mom whom I lost a few years back, and I miss her the most of all. I guess we need to appreciate and value those whom we have in our lives, while they are with us – isn’t it?

Thanks for sharing. 🙂

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

We do, but then they can always be with us, in a way!

Louise Gallagher

Love this line — When we miss, we feel separate, and when we love, we feel connected.

my daughter was visiting last weekend and then left to return to Vancouver. I miss her. I love her. and in the loving her, I let go of feeling separate and no longer miss her — though she will be missed at the Christmas dinner table!

Hugs — thanks Jodi!
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Your love will always connect you!

brenda

I always miss my Dad. It’s been five years, but during the holidays my heart is always empty without him. Hey Dad,,, hugs from here..
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I’m sure he feels them. And loves them.

Justin

This is so true Jodi. Love is really all there is in life. Everything else is an illusion, albeit a persistent one.

Take Care.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

It is persistent, and those of us who balance it with love need to speak up! Thanks Justin!

Shorya Bist

Hi Jodi,

I like your topic and it connects me too. At times we don’t understand the value of a person till we are separated. When we have that person in life we aren’t able to understand the importance of that person in our life. But realization comes when we are separated by distance, communication or in any means.
I want to share my experience. I have two childhood friends that I was close to them but never understood their importance in life. But after my schooling I shifted to some other state. Then after 2-3 months I got a realization that I am missing something and then, I got how important my friends were to me. I think it happens with many.

Thanks for putting up the topic and one more thing I forgot to mention you have beautiful smile. Keep smiling!

Shorya Bist
From Youthofest

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I think this kind of response helps us appreciate people the next time and show them how we feel! Thanks for the compliment on my smile. I appreciate it!

Bella

Jodi, this post resonates with me on so many levels and coincidentally, it is exactly what I was thinking about and have been dwelling on for the past week. And it has to do with the passing of my father. I agree wholeheartedly with your friend–during the first year that daddy was gone, my family and I felt a sense of peace that his suffering had come to an end. We sought comfort from the belief that he’d made his way to heaven. Nevertheless, the second year was so much harder. His absence is now more tangible, more concrete. I realize he won’t be sitting with us at the dinner table, that he won’t open presents with us, that he sip hot cocoa while we watch Christmas shows. The pain is overwhelming. Missing him is overwhelming. You have no idea the insight this post has given me. Thank you. And may I say you are more beautiful than I thought! I loved watching your short video on guilt–so helpful! It’s posts like these, blogs like yours, that really help readers understand, process, and begin the journey of acceptance. Hugs and more hugs for you! 🙂
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Nikky44

I miss you has always meant I love you for me. Missing someone feels so painful sometimes, and some other times, it makes me smile. I smile when missing the person reminds me of the love we share, and it hurts when I feel I need that same love and can’t connect to it, or when circumstances like misunderstandings have separated us.
I can see clearly now that when missing someone feels painful, it doesn’t depend on that person, but it comes from inside me, it’s a need I have that i am taking from that person instead of looking for it in myself. This means that missing someone will stop being painful only when I will learn to love myself and find the love and care and attention I want, in myself.
I used to think that after we meet, missing you will be less painful, but it’s not true. I also used to think that the bigger the love is, the more missing is painful, but now I am aware that this is wrong, and that it is painful when I can’t look into my heart and need the other person to do it for me. I miss you with a big smile 🙂
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

You got it Nikky. The painful missing, is a bit about your un-worthiness, it is not love. Underneath it, it is “evidence” that you don’t deserve. It’s a lie. The rest of the pain is that your heart is a bit too open (from the chakra perspective) that’s why I have sent you to Hevré.

Life Is Precious | Heal Now and Forever

[…] We keep on keeping on. Letting those life’s lived change us for the better, remind us how to be good people, how make changes before it is too late. (It is never too late–even after death relationships can change. Read I Miss You Means I Love You) […]

Langarman

Thanks Jodi for your effort to write these things because it help us alot.

Jodi Aman

Thank you so much!

Nikky44

Is that for me? thank you for what? Love you!

Nikky44

“The intensity in which you miss, is testimony to how precious that person, or pet, or object is.”
You are absolutely right that I still have a lot of difficulty in accepting the connection and believing that I am not separate. That is why missing someone keeps being painful. When I’m feeling OK, I’m always surprised with little signs I get that prove the connection, and when I feel bad, I gather “proofs” that I am separate. It’s my perception that changes and has nothing to do with the person I’m missing. Missing someone has never been linked to expectations from the other person, but a personal need or “void’ that the person has filled. It’s about learning to accept that this “need” no longer exist and has no reason to be.

Ashley

So I was sitting here researching the meaning of missing someone in a dream and I came across your blog. I’m having a though time right now trying to write a letter to someone I miss dearly someone I have no contact with. My whole life growing up I have these two aunts who were my dads sisters who are and were my rock and still are even though I now longer speak to them. They have had such an influence in my life they were the ones who shaped me and taught me about life. As a almost 30 yr old I’m at a point where I miss them deeply (their still alive) and I yearn to tell them I miss them and how much I admire and love them. I’ve been thinking about my aunt Jackie a lot and she’s been showing up in my dreams and I’m sitting here wondering if that means their thinking of me

Jodi Aman

I think they are. I am not sure why you are not in touch but love and influence like you describe is mutual. I imagine it would be healing for everyone is you sent them a letter. It certainly would brighten my day! <3

Autumn

Hello, I know this was written years ago, but it helped me today. My boyfriend of a year (we were reconnected after 10 years, we were high school prom dates) is working a lot in his career and doesn’t have much to for us, let alone himself. I suffer from anxiety and depression so at first I worried he didn’t love me, became desparate, clinging and accusing him. I quickly realized I could lose him with these actions and started focusing on myself. Our separateness and connection is present, but I miss him so much, repeating it constantly. This article helped me realize this is okay. I love that man so much thus I miss him just as much. I shouldn’t put negative connotations on it. So thank you, I really needed this reassurance.

Jodi Aman

I’m so glad it helped and that you found me! xoxo

Cesar Quijano

I miss somebody. PLEASE HELP!!

Cesar Quijano

The person whom I miss very much is a girl I knew named Chantel.

Jodi Aman

Cesar, Talk to her spirit. She will listen…

Deborah Metzler

I am in a perplexed state right now after reading your article here. Missing you = loving you; ok, I can kind of accept that. However, my husband has a habit of telling me that he misses me all the time — when he leaves the room we’re in together and then comes back after being gone only a few minutes; he says it when we’re back home together after a few hours apart when he’s off with his friends and I’m out running errands, shopping or spending time with my girl-friends; he continually saying it after we’re back together after being away from each other for only a short while! I’m beginning to believe this is kind of a control issue with him. We are an elderly couple; he was a widower of 3 years, I was a widow of 10 years. We do tell each other that we love each other. I tell him he doesn’t need to tell me he misses me so much! Still perplexed…

Jodi Aman

It can be control or not depending on so many things. I can’t understand why without knowing more of the context and how he is other times. He may be controling – making you feel bad that you were away – or he may be just trying to be sweet and your evoked guilt may be because it is familiar from your life history. Try not to feel guilty and see if it feels different. If you think he is specifically saying that you SHOULDNT be away from him, then it is control.It’s most likely his insecurity and if you take it differnt it could ease your stress about it!


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