More Tips and Tactics of Letting Go

5 comments

 

Need more help letting go?

I had lots of feedback (online and offline) from the post Let It Go, Let It Go, Let It Goooo. I, as usual, have more thoughts on the subject. (Can’t keep me quiet.) Speaking is like letting go for me:)

Some of you might have missed the comment thread so I wanted to take this opportunity to respond in this post:
Rich G says:

Letting go is not something that we “do”. Not in regard to the deep, emotionally connected, heart engaged sorts of things that we may be holding onto. Yes, we can stop gripping it tightly and possessively, that is an active choice we can make, and an experience we can learn to breathe into. But the deeper letting go, the deeper releasing – that happens of its own accord and it happens when it is ready to happen. Yes, definitely, validate it, it is as real as anything! It, whatever “it” is, is there because it was significant to our lives. It is still there and it is causing pain and sadness because there is something to learn from it, or something still to be felt and known profoundly, even as that ‘knowing’ may or may not ever be ‘known’ in any linear, describable, factual sense.

I appreciated Rich G’s comment.

Letting go of judgment

What usually happens is that judgment keeps us holding on. Once we allow ourselves to feel what we feel, instead of thinking we have to be other than who we are, there is nothing left to “do” to let go. It happens on its own, when we stop judging, blaming or worrying. It is so rare that we allow ourselves anything. Or when we do allow ourselves we beat ourselves up after. What if it was OK to be angry? Feel sad? Grieve a loss? Miss someone? Feel ridiculous? What if we allowed ourselves to feel this way?

These just means that love is important.

We get so afraid to allow ourselves to feel since we think it will get worse or that we’ll get stuck in it. However, this “not allowing” actually has the effects that we least desire. It keeps us stuck, holding on to the bad parts, the suffering. Allow it and we pass through it quicker. Sadness is so much worse with worry and judgment. It balloons into something much greater. (See Globs of Self Judgment and Worry Globs, Too) Once we allow it without judgment, Rich G is right, there is nothing to do.

 

Original sadness:

 

Adding Judgments:

 

Adding worry:

 

It is soooo much worse! The original sadness is not that bad!

When someone had chronic worry, other people often say: It is a simple choice, you can choose not to be worried. The worried person just feels misunderstood. It is not that simple for me. If you think it is you don’t understand, And if it was that easy and I can’t do it I must be really messed up. The people telling him it is simple mean well. They don’t want to validate the worry. They want their loved one to feel better so he doesn’t suffer.

We don’t want to validate the worry, nobody needs that. We want to validate the precious thing they are worried about. But sometimes going through the complexities of it is part of the journey. We can allow that, too. It may start simple, go through lots of complexities, wading through all of the judgment and worries and letting them go. Then, it’ll get simple again. There will be nothing left to do as Rich says, it’ll go away.We often mistakenly think that we can lose something if we let it go.

But if we understood ourselves as connected to everything, how could we ever really lose anything? Loss is a perception, only. Felt in this reality, relative reality, only. Not to belittle how intense that feels, but that is it, it is just a feeling. An intense feeling. Feelings are transient. And when we allow them, they “trans” faster. But we stay connected to what is precious and always stay connected to that.

This is why unsolicited advise can sound like such judgment. We might mean well, but it still might hurt the other person. (And they are not overreacting!) I’m careful and follow the Buddhist tenet to have some ask me for advise three time before giving it.

You also might be wondering and worried about Nikky44’s comments from yesterday. I know some people were. And here you can see her response this morning:

Thank you Jodi and Stanley <3. Reading your comments again this morning brought tears to my eyes, your kindness touches my heart, and helps me start a new day with a smile :)
Much love to you both <3

SWeaver03 and I did not give her advice, we just reflected back what was important to her and to us (her.) This seemed to make a small bit of difference. We touched her heart instead of telling her what to do, we allowed her what was most important, her visibility. We allowed her to feel and be who she is. And, we know that she felt her loss so much because she is full of love.

We might worry because she seemed so hopeless, so fragile, but if we try to fix it rather that celebrate her beautiful loving ways, we might make her feel more invisible. We can worry, but that just means that people are important to us, that love is important. Nikky is very full of love. She is not fragile. She has lived through what we cannot imagine: the Lebanese war and 16 years of domestic violence. You can read her strength and optimism in her words, someone who has completely given up cannot speak so beautiful from the heart and shine through the computer screen as she does. This is an amazing woman. Someone who has been through such pain starts a day with a smile. She can teach us all much about love and life and tenacity to survive.

WE SEE YOU, NIKKY! Thank you Sweavero3 for taking the time to love her with me.

 

I welcome comments in all shapes and sizes! Thank you!

Just an FYI: I finally went back and put a photo of my grandmother into Today It is All About Me. A week late, but she is still beautiful!


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5 Comments

nikky44

I’m speechless. I never felt anyone before understood the way i feel. I went to the office 3 months ago. I have lost hearing in my left ear, scanner showed i had brain damage. was covered with bruises, but still went to work because i was feeling so bad, that i was scared to stay alone, scared of myself. First reaction of boss and colleagues: what happened to you? looking shocked. I said the truth. All I wanted and needed is for someone to give me a hug and give me the possibility to cry, to express my pain. Their reaction was different. They all said: how do you let him do that to you? as if it was by choice. You should leave. You go home now and pack your things and never go back there again. I asked: what about my kids, they’re at school now? The answer was, they can manage without you. When people give advise or push me to leave, they surely mean well. They care and they are worried, Those advises are the best, but after one calms down, not when i am in the middle of the crisis and desperate.
Thank you so much for this post Jodi. It’s true I’m crying now, but those are tears of relief. Knowing I’m understood and loved feels so good. It makes such a big difference.
Sending you loads of love, and sending God prayers of gratitude for guiding me to you <3

nikky44

I needed to come back here. Some days are harder than others, but your words are not limited in time. They always help, in whatever situation. Thank you.
nikky44 recently posted..Happy EasterMy Profile

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

That is beautiful, poetic! Such a kind compliment!

Mary Kennedy Eastham

I agree with Rich’s comment, I think it was, about forgiveness and letting go. There are so many layers to it.

I’m going through my own tough time, letting go of a 20 year marriage. There are no easy steps,
no one right or wrong path to follow, in spite of friends…lemme tell you what you SHOULD do…advice. I wrote what one writer friend calls ‘a beautifully courageous’ prose poem called
The Divorce Diarist because I couldn’t find anything out there dialoging this rough, rough road.
E-mail me at: [email protected] if you’d like a copy.

Stay strong all of you going through a rough patch. It does get better, it really does…

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