Neediness Anxiety

25 comments

A few more thoughts on “Need”… (See Thursdays post A Question of Need)

Need Worries

Many people have neediness anxiety: AKA “worry about being too needy.” Being “too needy” is generally frowned upon in our individualistic culture. And when we (like appropriate, regular human beings) desire some help or company, we mistakenly think something is way wrong with us.

This is ridiculous!

Interdependence vs Individualism

Chinese proverb helping someone

I think the last line could read “love someone”.

We are an interdependent species. Our community is an extension of our selvesWe are all one. Individualistic ideas have caused so many problems in our lives. Maybe, I might venture to say, have caused almost every problem. It leads to feelings of guilt and fear and inadequacy and worthlessness, etc. Aren’t these the root of every problem?

People worry their ‘neediness’ will take time away from the other person they ‘need,’ or burden them. They feel like they shouldn’t need. They don’t feel worthy of needing. This judgment and fear has them feel more separate and alone.

I have found, however, that people love to feel helpful. It gives them a purpose and makes them feel good about themselves. And when they are appreciated for this, it energizes them and improves their self identity. Interdependence is synergistic, benefiting everyone. There is an energy exchange, both parties give and both parties receive. You are being generous when you ask for help. You are allowing someone else the blessing of helping. Some other time or with someone else it will be the other way around. You can count on it!

I’d love to change the connotation of “dependence” in our culture. Dependence, interdependence, co-dependence, have all gotten a bad wrap. What if we did away with the negative meanings and embraced them once again? What if we looked at one another and saw holiness, or what if we thought “dependence” and felt loved and loving? And, what if we knew that giving to another person is giving to ourselves?

There might actually be peace on earth.

What do you all think about this? 

Please share the love…


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25 Comments

Nikky44

Thank you Jodi. I feel like it’s a message for me because it deals with one of the main issues I have. I am considered a “very needy person”. I was called “needy” “dependent” “high maintenance”, and those have caused so much guilt. I know I am dependent, emotionally dependent. It brings me a kind of “safety”. It helps me in everything. What I don’t like in the label of being “needy” is that it usually comes with the idea of using others for our own needs.
Thank you for explaining how to look at it in a positive way. I know that I need you often. I will try to feel less guilty about it. Thank you so much. Much love <3
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Let’s get out of that needy person label. I don’t find you needy. Let’s just strip off those labels and walk away. That is not you. You are quite willing to be close to people love them and let them love you. It is an exchange. You give just as much. This is a beautiful way to live. No guilt!

sgweaver

I have always thought that the wall I have built around me was to protect me from harm. I have built it strong and continued to fortify it more and more over time. Now I feel trapped behind this wall I built! I feel that I “need” to break it down, to smash it to pieces, to escape this prison I have created for myself. And I feel I “need” to do it now and it seems the harder I try the stronger the wall gets! Thanks to you Jodi and these 2 posts on “need” I can begin to see I have a choice. I can choose the need to break this wall down now or I can choose to take it apart little by little to see what’s out there. Needing to break it down now implies that I made a big mistake in building it in the first place, that I lacked and am still lacking something vital to survive. I blame myself and feel what I did was wrong. Really as I grew up I chose to build this wall little by little in order to survive. Now I can begin to “choose” to take it down little by little, not needing to do it immediately!

Thank you Jodi for all you do! I choose to continue this journey! <3

Nikky44

“I have always thought that the wall I have built around me was to protect me from harm.” It was. That’s what i think, and that’s also what I did. It was the right thing to do at that time. That was your need, and you did it well. You can congratulate yourself for that, it was necessary for survival.
Breaking the walls was not a decision I made. When I decided to do this and went to therapy the first time, It made me more anxious, more depressed as i wasn’t comfortable enough with the person to share, so my guilt feeling was getting bigger, and I felt I wasn’t good enough. I tried with a friend, and had a huge deception. I decided to stay behind the wall as it was much safer, and once i did, I got more relaxed. I felt free, no obligations. That’s when I met true friends who understood without judging. I found myself talking instantly, without even thinking about it. It came just like that, and once I started it became easier. When you expect a lot of yourself, you can also have deceptions. Don’t expect, just live and smile and believe that you are right the way you are.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thank you Nikky, these words are exactly perfect for Stanley! So from your heart, too!

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

You got it Stanley! Thank is beautiful! Continue, I will stick it out with you and be here every step!

Lisa W. Rosenberg

Great post, Jodi. I think that being able to reach out to others in time of need takes so much courage, especially in American culture. But when you take the risk, it always seems to be rewarded!
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Such individualism. We forget that our species was not designed this way!

Tina Barbour

I always feel like I’m bothering others if I ask for help. I’m not sure where this comes from. But I like your advice on how needing help from others is a good thing and helps all of us in our interdependence. Thanks, Jodi!
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Tina,
It comes from a negative self view. Feeling less than worthy of their time. Even if it is deep down, we all feel this way.

Monica

My biggest worry is not so much being needy (because I’m not); it’s imposing. I don’t like to impose, because as a child, I inadvertently did and it didn’t turn out well. So I’ve taught my kids the same. The end result is I’m always surprised when someone generously offers something (their home, their expertise) and don’t get resentful when you take them up on said offer. I think, though, imposing and being needy are pretty close cousins.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Oh yes, I would agree these are the same animal. In some ways it is about repeating other people, but on the other side it is about being worthy. Obviously I am interested in respecting others, but also feeling worthy enough of the exchange. I am sure you would be just as generous!

MJ Monaghan

Always thought-provoking stuff, Jodi.

I totally agree that humans are all about relating with each other. We do need each other to be healthy and happy. Some people need others more, some less, but there are also those who need relationship but hold back for whatever reason – trauma, experience, fear, etc.

You are a deep well, my friend.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

This meant so much to me that I posted it on fb. Thanks, MJ!

brenda

I think it’s a grand idea. It’s not bad to rely on one another or feel bad for wanting and needy one another from time to time. I think the rub comes from the desire to be independent and do for ourselves without draining the person next to us, but in life it’s not always easy. I’m the lone wolf time and will walk over nails before reaching out, but I like to think I am a work in progress. There is hope for me yet.
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

My name Lobozzo means lone wolf and I have often felt like this. I have to take my own advice here! Let’s stick together. We can both be alphas.

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My Inner Chick

Oooo, “”Peace on Earth””. What a beautiful thing.

Jodi, I deeply deeply deeply believe that our purpose on earth is to “help others & find our God.”

What other reason would we be here?

Love flowing to you NOW. Today. xx
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks for all of your love that flows out and comes to me, especially so supportive of Nikky.Things have been harry and I think of you often. Maybe Kay can grace us and give support from heaven today!

Bridget

I see your point, but there are people who are too needy. Once you help them, they want more and it becomes a burden. How do I make sure I don’t become that kind of person?

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

You will ever be that kind of a person. You give too much. With you and your friends there is an exchange. It is to and fro. Not lopsided. Stop worry and keep giving! And know you are worthy of all your receive! You have some good eggs there!

Beverly Diehl

I’m working hard at the idea of finding my way back to balance. (If I ever had any in the first place!)

For me, it is all too easy to slip into the idea of being all-giving/nurturing/caregiving, and not hold back ANYTHING for myself. I am working to learn how to be interdependent, to ask for what i need/want, instead of trying to “win” it through being super-giving to someone else, or manipulation.
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Nikky44

I remember the Peace I felt the first time I read this post. I felt it was written for me. Thank you for the reminder. It is very helpful to read it again and read the 2 comments wrote. I should learn to generalize and not to take other’s accusations and make them part of my identity. Maybe those who found me too needy were just not ready to be helpful? Maybe they were frustrated not to have the answers to my issues. I love to help and never considered a person who asks me for help as needy. Thank you <3
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Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Yes, it is part of their own fear. And because you were invalidated, you got worse, it is a bit of a cycle. If you responded appropriately and were acknowledged it would have went away. But vulnerability (even appropriate, slightness) was not tolerated. Ya know?

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