When your love is insecure

22 comments

when your love is insecure

How to help your partner who is insecure

kids anxietyThere are challenges to loving someone who doesn’t love herself very much.

Not in that they are hard to love. That part is easy. When you love someone, you love them. You see his or her awesomeness and love them up.

The tricky part sometimes comes when she doesn’t like herself very much. In How to get more love when you are insecure, I acknowledged that people can do some funky things when they are insecure. This can put distance in a relationship. The opposite of what everyone desires.

What do you do when your love is insecure?

How can you make her see the good that you see?

I have an idea. I have been teaching this idea for years, and people love it. It brings people together instead of disconnecting them. Everyone goes from feeling frustrated to feeling great!

Watch this video for the low down on how to work together to stop insecurity in its track.

Get out a pen and paper because we are going to make a therapeutic document. 

 


Click to tweet: It takes more than love to help people feel better http://ctt.ec/81l6x+ #howtoloveyourself @JodiAman

If people could see me the way I see myself – if they could live in my memories – would anyone love me?
– John Green

I have been using therapeutic documents for years and have found them incredibly full of impact.

Here are the benefits:

1. Repetition – You think it, you write it, you see it. That’s already three times. Then you plan to read it over and over. Our negative thoughts repeat themselves over and over. We need some big power to counter them.

2. Gives meaning- You know that saying, “If it’s not documented, it didn’t happen”? Well, there is something about writing it down that makes it real. Journaling to get things off your chest can be good. But when you use writing to write down the good things it is even better.

3. Audience – Writing things down automatically gives it witnesses. Especially when you show it to someone, but even if you don’t, you have a witness (the paper, God, and you.)

Hope you enjoyed this video. Think about who in your life that you would love to have feel better about themselves. Make a commitment to bring to them this idea.

What do you do when your love is insecure? What practices do you use to reassure them?

anxiety test prompt


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22 Comments

Sebastian Aiden Daniels

This was such a big issue for me and still is in some regards. I was completely unable to feel love. It would make me worry and freak me out and I would invalidate myself and shut myself down because it felt too strong. I didn’t allow myself to care for someone and love them!?

It can damage relationships because you either pull away or hold on too tightly rather than allowing the relationship to be open and free.

The biggest thing I learned is to sit with the feeling and accept it and feel it and be happy that I can feel it. I do something similar where I write down what I am feeling over and over again and that I am thankful for feeling this and that the feeling will not overwhelm me.

Thanks for the tips!

Jodi Aman

I love that you say sit and accept. Because I think that is the key. Too often, we try to let go without allowing our feelings and that hardly works since we feel invalidated and hold onto our feeling much more firmly. Keep a document of all the good things about you. This is always a good thing, no matter where we are in life, there are bad days and we can refer to this!
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Sebastian Aiden Daniels

It is the key. I had some intense sadness and shame the other day about a variety of stuff. I sat with it and felt it and cried. Eventually it went away and I was able to move in. In the past, I would have drank or done some other form of ineffective coping. If you learn that your feelings won’t kill you, life becomes so much easier. Invalidation can send you spiraling down so quickly.

Nikky44

I used to feel insecure in all relationships, and all situations. Many years ago, it all changed. It’s like I could get rid of this anxiety and felt free to be myself not caring about what others think. On another hand, I still had some situations, some people I felt insecure with, and that was frustrating because somehow in my heart, I knew there was nothing to be afraid of.

I was wondering about that now? I need to understand why the insecurity shows up only when it has no reason to be. Why is it only with people I love most whereas I don’t care with everyone else? The only answer I found was that the insecurity only disappeared when I lost interest in life, in others, and it was still there only with people who give me hope and a purpose? Does that make sense?
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Jodi Aman

It totally makes sense. It is obvious to me. Think about what is absent but implict. There’s more to lose with people you care about. Hope and purpose are precious to you.
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Nikky44

Ok, I get it, so it has nothing to do with the other persons It’s my own fears that give me these feelings, fear of losing hope by losing the person, which also mean it’s not a lack of trust in the other person. That gives me a great answer to my confusion because I’m always confused and judge myself for feeling insecure when I trust the person 100%. Thank you.
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Nikky44

Can one push others/loved ones away to avoid feeling insecure? Feeling insecure with people I love is one of the most painful anxieties. Pushing them away, keeping them at distance takes away the insecurity, but leaves emptiness. I don’t seem capable of finding a balance
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Jodi Aman

I would think pushing people away doesn’t avoid insecurity. (Just your ego making you suffer in the guide of protecting you). You feel more insecure about yourself when you feel separate. It’ll make it worse.

Probably the insecurity pain and fear is worse than if someone actually left. You’ve been able to handle that in the past. It’s just a belief to change, rather than balancing anything. Trust yourself and there wont be so much pain or worry.

Nikky44

Fear of losing the kids or them losing me makes me want to keep them away
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Jodi Aman

It is the worse thing you can do for everyone- you and them and everyone who will ever touch their lives. Lose-lose-lose.

Move closer. Don’t stop. Tell them how great they are constantly.
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Worli

Nice article Jodi!

I think overcoming insecurity and low self esteem can be done easily if you know how to approach the problem. It took me a while to figure out that everything in life is about love when you get right down to it, and also everything in life is about energy.

Every single person on this planet has flaws and is not perfect 🙂
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Jodi Aman

We have to see the good in us. And that will help us not feel so bad about our flaws.
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Louise Gallagher

Such wonderful insights and suggestions Jodi — I have found that loving myself, beauty and the beast, gives me space to accept all of me, without judging some of me, ‘bad’ or awful or not lovable. All of me is lovable — to me. And loving all of me leaves me free to be loving in the world.

Hugs
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Jodi Aman

I love how you are loving in the world! So glad you are you!
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Kelly Hashway

I think everyone is insecure at some point so this post really reaches a broad audience. I know I’ve felt this way.
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Kimberly

Awesome post! It’s almost like having an accountability friend when you are sad which is a great idea. Nice Jodi 🙂
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Marie

I LOVE the idea of a therapeutic document Jodi. I think writing things down is of great help really.
My love has been insecure for a quite long time. I was so scared of losing the love of loved ones or don’t get any love at all. Till I took the chance to sit down with my fears and look at them. They were powerless, as they were only created by me.
I am loveable. And I am learning to love myself with my flaws and strengths. I think everything starts within ourselves. But it’s true that the love of others play an important part in our lives. All is connected.

Stay well and blessed dear. THANK YOU.

Jodi Aman

I am so glad you took that look at your fears. We think we have to be so brave to do this, and we do, but really our suffering is so much eased when we do! You are very welcome! Sure your document with us if you wish!

lynne

There are many reasons that can make you feel insecure but they are usually the result of one thing which is not being sure of your abilities, we have to build our self confidence, the tips you mentioned will surely help us to start moving forward to a better life. Thanks for sharing.
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Jodi Aman

You got it, Lynne!

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