Noticing What is Precious: Exploration of “Absent but Implicit”


The following is a excerpt from my new Book Understanding Pain, Anger and Fear: Michael White’s “Absent But Implict”

In the context of everyday conversations, it is all too common to hear expressions of complaint, pain, frustration, worry, and/or anger.  In our culture, we are quick to point out what we don’t want and what we don’t like.  These expressions, and the thoughts that go with them, plague our lives, infiltrating our minds and our bodies, making us feel lonely, helpless, scorned, despairing, and even physically sick.

These expressions have the potential to depress the speaker as well as bring down everyone listening.  When expressed, the belief becomes its own little truth:

Absent But Implicit treeThis isn’t fair!Why does he have to treat me this way?  I can’t catch a break. 

Nobody understands.   

When thought and expressed, it becomes the way it is: “I am guilty.”  This truth status limits any movement outside the proclamation, thus exacerbating the predicament.  It is definitive: I am miserable.  And that is that.  Period.

How would we hear those complaints differently if we knew that in the shadows of them, there was something that person held precious?  “I am miserable” is a thin statement, but it can tell multiple stories for those who double listen.  Michael White (White, 2000) invites us to double listen, hearing both the expression and what’s absent from the expression but implicit in its meaning.  The preciousness is not publicly stated in “I am miserable,” but that doesn’t mean it is not there.

Absent But Implicit

What is absent but implicit about complaining that you are miserable?  That you wish you weren’t.  It is a desire for another way of being; for example, being happy.  The desire for happiness is being held precious.  This already invites a new view of complaints.  But White takes it even further.  He asserts that if we desire to be happy, we must know something about being happy.  There must be some knowledge or familiarity with it for us to know we want it—some time in the past that we either felt it or observed it in someone else, or we wouldn’t know that we wanted it.

To know misery is to know its opposite, happiness.  One cannot exist without the other.  Without knowing happiness, misery would feel, well, neutral.  We only understand misery as it is different from happiness and happiness as it is different from misery.  Understanding this can make all the difference in how to position ourselves in our complaints…Read more! 

The Understanding Pain, Anger and Fear: Michael White’s “Absent But Implict”, is chuck full of examples to bring this idea to life.  While originally meant for therapists, it is a must read for counselors, teachers, authors, parents, and anyone in a relationship.   Only $5.99.

Other absent but implicit articles: Irrational Fear or Skills in Safety,  MLK: Addressing Your Anger, Scared vs. Sacred, Let it Go, Let it Go, Let it Goooooo!, More Tricks and Tactics of Letting Go

  /     /  


Kelly Hashway

I just wanted to stop by and say Jodi’s ebook is amazing!
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Monday Mishmash 2/6/12My Profile


And very useful too 🙂

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks so much! Kelly helped with the first round of edits! She rocks!

Beverly Diehl

This is a very interesting concept. Looking forward to exploring it more.
Beverly Diehl recently posted..Doctor, I Have A Fever! #MancandyMondayMy Profile

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks Bev!


I never really saw the other side of the emotions….it really makes sense. What an eye opener. Thanks Jodi!!

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks, Andrea! You read the eBook, how if at all did it affect you or your relationships?


How exciting for you. Looking forward to exploring more.
Brenda recently posted..What Is Strength?My Profile

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Thanks Brenda, that means a lot!


Jodi, you’ve piqued our interest with this excerpt! I thought of the yin and yang concept as I read about misery and happiness. A very interesting concept indeed, lady! 🙂

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Yes, Bella! It is totally ying yang!


This is a very interesting way of looking at things I suppose with almost anything if you scratch below the surface you will find that there is a flip side and some more understanding to be had but with something as responsive as emotion people can rarely seperate themselves enough to look deeper!

Jodi Lobozzo Aman

Kav, I am glad that you liked it! Thanks for coming!

Make Your Relationship Work: Five Ways To Stay Connected - Anxiety-Free Me with Jodi Aman

[…] or the defensiveness, put aside your fear that he or she is rejecting you and listen for what is absent but implicit in what your partner is saying. Listen for what is important to your partner that is implicit in […]

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge