When I speak about freedom today, I am speaking about freedom from an invisible prison. The prison is a metaphor for stress. Stress is caused mostly by fear and guilt.
Yes, you can say that stress is caused by someone cutting you off at an on ramp. But if you examine it closer, you have a fear that you might get in an accident and anger comes to you that this person might have caused it by being careless. Or, you are not afraid of an accident and you just think that person treated you like you don’t matter: guilt. (Today I will talk about guilt because fear will be the 10th thing I talk about.)
Why should we feel guilty when other people treat us like we don’t matter? We shouldn’t! (Don’t Should On Yourself!) But we do anyway. Even rape victim blame themselves immediately. And this is often reinforced by other people agreeing with them. “Why did you go there with him?” Please try not to ever say this to someone who has been raped! They are already beating themselves up. The raper is the raper, not the raped.
Ultimate healing
I have a secret for you. If we didn’t feel some bit of blame or justification when other people judge us, criticize us, abuse us, or otherwise treat us like we don’t matter, we would never notice it, it would not bother us, it most definitely wouldn’t stress us out. This is true freedom. They can only judge us if we are already judging ourselves for the same thing. Even if it is deep down inside somewhere that you are not really conscious of. (Let their judgment make us conscious of it so we can let it go!)
If you didn’t buy in, at least a little bit, their comments or actions wouldn’t even register on your radar. See, they wouldn’t be part of your reality. And so you wouldn’t take them in. And I’d even venture to say that other people couldn’t even do it, they couldn’t even treat you bad if you were totally free. This is true healing. Because as you heal yourself, you are healing others, too. We are all so connected that if you truly were absolutely free from guilt, no one who be able to criticize you–at all! You heal both of you and so everyone in the world.
The other side of that is knowing that they are treating you bad because there is something in themselves they are judging to be inadequate. People are not mean to us because they don’t like us, but because they don’t like themselves. As you model true freedom, they can connect to it, too, and heal that part of themselves. It is not a win-lose world like we have been raise to believe. It is a win-win world. The ultimate healing is in a win-win world.
Bringing Change
This is how we are going to change the world. It is hard to imagine! But all we have to do is forgive ourselves wholly and completely for ever thinking that we are not good enough! We have to change each and every belief that supports our inadequacies, one by one. Ask to see them, ask that they may be revealed so that you can let them go!
“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” -Pema Chodron
What are you willing to let go of to get the ultimate healing?
Great post!!! Thank you. This is very true. A criticism only hurt when we already feel guilty about it, and when it comes from someone we love as we know their opinion of us is really important for us. The facts are always there. If someone looks at me and say :you’re fat, It hurts because i can see i am, but if i was not, i would just smile and let go. That is of course a really simple example but it is the same for more important things. It wouldn’t hurt me to be accused of neglecting my children if i wasn’t already feeling guilty of not fulfilling all my duties as a mother the way i should.
Criticism is necessary as long as it is positive. It can help the progress of a person and it can destroy, it depends on how it is given and with which intentions.
Media, society, religion and many other criteria are all contributing in making us feel more and more guilty, and more and more feeling bad about ourselves.
You are only too right! Love the last sentence!
“People are not mean to us because they don’t like us, but because they don’t like themselves.”
You say this in many posts, and I agree, but it always brings another question to my mind. I don’t like myself, but I don’t consider this gives me a “permission” to be mean to others? it’s not an excuse?
Another amazing post! Sometimes it’s hard to let go, but we really have to. I try to make a conscious effort not to hang on to things that stress me, and right now I’m realizing I have more I need to let go of. Thanks for the reminder.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Silence by Becca Fitzpatrick
You’re too busy, girl, to be wasting time in judgment! Stay as positive as you are on your blog!
Jodi, this is so on target, so timely for me as I’ve been feeling quite trapped in the stress prison lately. (Today’s burst of sunshine and an invigorating walk with my children to school helped a whole lot too.)
For some of us (me, for example) the harshest critic of all is our own self. I think that no one is more judgmental of me than me! In particular, if the writing is not flowing or I have a mis-parenting moment. The thing that helps is focusing on others’ needs rather than my own success, and remembering how much larger the world is than my own computer screen.
Lisa W. Rosenberg recently posted..To Dance Again: Confessions of a Masochist, Part 5
Oh I love a walk outside! Body image is where we go first as you well know. Self blame, the bane of our existence!
Thank you Jodi! It was if you were speaking to me directly. I have been feeling fearful and guilty the last 2 days and it is on the verge of over-whelming me. reading this article has made me at least to see fear if as,nothing” more than the absence of Love. As I read this I am very grateful to be able to read such post! 🙂
I was speaking to you directly! No more stress! Forgive!
Couldn’t have come a better time Jodi! Thank you!
I am freeing myself from over extending and too many items on my list.. It may not sound like a lot, but for me, it is vast. I am notorious for ‘should’ve’.. gets me nowhere. Great post, Jodi, Thanks for keep us focused.
Brenda recently posted..Trusting Your Sixth Sense
I love how you really get to the root of these issues, Jodi. My husband and I talk a lot about the importance of letting go and also understanding our core motivations for what we say and do. Everything’s a work in progress of course, but I think this approach has been really healthy for maintaining a good marriage. It lends itself well to honesty and leaves less room for resentment to linger.
Sarah Baughman recently posted..My 2-Year-Old Has More Self-Control Than I Do
You give such good, much-needed advice. A great reminder to put ourselves first, and not claim other people’s baggage as our own. Sometimes it’s hard not to take things personally, blame ourselves, so thanks for the reminder. 🙂
Monica recently posted..A 200-Year-Old Man Gives Dickens of an Interview
Thank you Monica, it means so much coming form you!
I needed this reminder Jodi, thank you very much. Guilt is consuming me although I know inside that I have no other choice.
nikky44 recently posted..Sisterhood Award: A smile in the dark
Remind yourself it is not your responsibility, therefore not your guilt to bear.
Jodi
I would be happy to talk to you about gender.
I won’t punch you in the gut .
Love
Dad
XO