Isn’t Forgiveness Condoning Something Horrible?

Many people ask me how to forgive. I tell them that forgiveness is a choice.  You don’t have to know how to do anything, you just decide that you are going to do it. You let go of judgments and then it just happens on its own with no more effort on your part.

The hard part is convincing your ego to let go.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Carrie Fisher

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. ~Mark Twain 

Forgiveness is not condoning something horrible

Forgiveness sometimes feels like you are condoning something horribly unjust that happened to you or to someone you love.  Our ego doesn’t want us to forgive.  Our ego doesn’t want to let go of something that keeps us defined as a victim.  It fights constantly to keep us exactly like we are. Why? Because it operates under fear and guilt and thus feels like it needs to to protect itself.

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Forgiveness is not condoning, not even a little bit. Rather than being OK with what happened to you, forgiveness is choosing to be OK despite what happened to you. It is taking your life back from the trauma and tribulations of your past.

Our ego is mistaken

Not forgiving keeps us suffering. Not wanting to forgive because the other person doesn’t deserve to be let off the hook is just one excuse of the ego to hold on to pain. It is just an excuse. The ego doesn’t want to let go, it’s scared that this might mean you are not worthy of being treated respectfully. However, when we stay resentful, we stay  a victim. We stay in fear and in guilt feeling totally worthless and unhappy. Suffering ensues. The ego is fighting itself, it is causing exactly what it thinks it is protecting itself from.

Not forgiving keeps you pinned to the ground with the offender’s foot on your chest. Not forgiving is like allowing him or her the win. You imprison yourself, not them.

Forgive Yourself and Others Masterclass
Forgive Yourself and Others Masterclass

Forgiveness is Divine

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are not worthy. It is the opposite, actually, it means you are worth more than what happened to you. It means  you are worthy of respecting yourself and it means you are worthy of  happiness. Forgiveness means that you will no longer let that incident define you.

It never means that which the other did was OK by you.  It barely has to do with the other person. Forgiveness is about you and for you. It just means seeing who you are. That’s all. It means seeing who you are without your view being clouded with fear and guilt.

Resentment only hurts us. Don’t sacrifice your self respect so that another person remains “guilty.”

Listen closely: Karma will take care of them. It is only our job to take care of ourselves. Whatever they seemed to “get away with” I assure you they didn’t. This incident is just a slice of the big picture (See the Divinity Even in Poop).

Let’s choose forgiveness. Let’s free our self from the pain.

Who is with me?

40 thoughts on “Isn’t Forgiveness Condoning Something Horrible?”

  1. I am with you 🙂
    I always say that i don’t feel the need to forgive as i never feel resentment towards others, but sometimes i doubt myself. Since we say that forgiving helps us heal, why do i still feel pain although I’m not resentful? I ask myself this question many times, and i think the answer is that i need to forgive myself first. My pain is my guilt feeling.
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  2. Harleena Singh@Freelance Writer

    Nice topic Jodi!

    It is indeed difficult to forgive people, because we have our inflated egos that come in the way and stop us from reaching out first.

    Sometimes, we do want to or feel like forgiving, but the hesitancy of what others may think about us, keeps us back. While at other times, we just feel its not our fault, so why should we forgive or reach out first. I guess there are so many reasons as to why we really aren’t able to forgive easily.

    Forgiving or not forgiving someone IS a choice we have in our hands, and rather than feeling angry, frustrated, and miserable for not forgiving another – it’s better to forgive and feel lighter and better – isn’t it? I think it makes a world of a difference where relationships are concerned.

    Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    1. Jodi Lobozzo Aman

      Forgiveness would indeed heal the world. Just maybe the only thing that might. I agree all those “reasons” why it is hard to forgive are egos excuses!

  3. Great post. Holding onto resentment is holding onto all that ties us to the other person.

    That said, sometimes we have to pass through anger, resentment, and pain, before we can get to forgiveness. I admit, I am suspicious of those who talk about having been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused as children who claim to NEVER have felt angry at their abusers. Hell, I get angry when somebody steps on my foot – maybe I don’t STAY angry, maybe I flit through it pretty quickly, but I think anger and resentment are natural stages of being hurt. We just don’t want to STAY in that place of anger and hurt.
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  4. I like it very much. Specially ” forgiveness the incident no longer define you”.
    And all about what the person worth and deserve.
    Thanks Jodi

  5. Thank you Jodi for some clarification. It is going to take me a while to really understand but this puts me back on the right track.I find myself wanting to hear that person say I’m sorry and really mean it but it’s too late for that so I have to find that inside myself. I really appreciate it and you!

      1. I believe everyone regrets what he has done during his life on Earth after he joins God. I hope I’m not wrong Jodi in what i am saying, and sorry for interfering, but I might expect excuses as long as the person is alive, but once the person is back Home, she is automatically sorry for her actions on Earth, and would try to compensate if we allow that to happen. Am I wrong?
        nikky44 recently posted..The Child that is MeMy Profile

        1. Jodi Lobozzo Aman

          This is also what I believe. If we are wrong then we are both wrong, we will learn the whole truth when our time comes! It may not happen automatically, but when a person goes Home, they are able to see the big picture, reflection the choices that they have made and see where they have gone wrong. They have to decide to be sorry. From this position in their spirit body with all the knowledge and none of the hurt and fear, it does make it easier.

  6. It sounds like what you are saying is forgiving is the best way to move past a painful incident and move on….and I do agree. It’s not about the other person, it’s about you!
    Thanks for an insightful post!

  7. Jodi, this sounds wonderful, but forgiveness can be a difficult thing. Especially when the person doesn’t realize all they did to hurt you and then find a way to make it worse by treating you like a pariah. I appreciate what you’re saying and wish I could, but for me, it’s easier said than done.
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    1. It seems so difficult, but once you try it, it is much more easier than being resentful. Anytime i think of someone who has hurt me, I close my eyes and offers him a flower with a smile. I directly calm down.
      nikky44 recently posted..The Child that is MeMy Profile

    2. Jodi Lobozzo Aman

      I appreciate what you are saying also, Monica. We often think it is hard, but this creates an excuse to stay where we are. When we think the only way we can heal is by having the other regret and restore. This is indeed helpful and what we all desire but not always practical. That other person might never be conscious enough to apologize, but just because they aren’t doesn’t mean we don’t have to be.:)

  8. I don’t like carrying bitterness or unresolved feelings – destructive. I may not stay in touch with someone, but I always forgive and move on. Beautiful post, Jodi. I thought the quotes were spot on and worthy of coping down for future reference.
    Brenda recently posted..Stuck In A MomentMy Profile

  9. I’m with you! Forgiveness seems to be the topic these days. I’ve written about it in my last two posts, and I’ve read several other posts, including yours, on this life changing topic. You are such a powerful and eloquent writer. I love the Carrie Fisher quote (I’ve used that one myself!). As you say, forgiveness is about us, and liberating our own spirits from the prison we create for ourselves with unforgiveness. Lovely post. Thank you.
    Galen Pearl recently posted..Dog is God Spelled Backwards*My Profile

    1. Jodi Lobozzo Aman

      Thanks Galen, I’ve been reading your posts and perhaps this is what inspired me. But I speak about this everyday to my clients, so thought I’d write it up! Thanks for the compliments on my writing, too!

  10. Dominic Jermano

    So how do you forgive GW Bush for War Crimes? How do you reconcile the fact in not being a hypocrite? If forgiving is our destiny, why are we forced to support the Police State? Isn’t they who extort us? How do you forgive Obama for lying, and stealing my vote? How do you forgive people who have lied through the years, telling you had a Pension and suddenly it is not there? How do you do that? Why do we call it Prison instead of the Forgiving Place? Is hell the result of forgiving? If God is forgiving, why is there hell? And why did God create Hell? Is forgiving a test? If I don’t I go to hell.

    1. Jodi Lobozzo Aman

      Forgiving is not condoning. I do not believe in Hell or that God made Hell. Hell is a patriarchal creation made in the 11 century to demote the status of women. (Named after the Goddess Hel). Not created by anything divine. Your anger toward Bush, Obama, police, etc is not helping the world, unless you channel it to make a change. Never condone violence, but act to protect people, animals and the earth. Never condone exploitation but stand up against it. Use the power of your vote – in your purchases rather than your political vote: Corporations rule the world, not the president. Chose to love the marginalized rather than be angry at the privileged. It is the only way real change can happen. When you are angry, only you suffer. That is the only I hell I know.

      Thanks so much for your comment! Love, Jodi

  11. Jodi, I don’t get it. I think one of the problems with forgiveness is that people mean a lot of different things when they say it.

    It seems like you are focusing on the not seeking justice or revenge aspect. I don’t seek justice or revenge on those that hurt me. I don’t even want to think about them. Really.

    But that does not make my pain less by any iota.

    Sorry to be so negative, but some really painful emotions and memories have been stirred up for me this week. I forgive, OK. I forgive a thousand times over.

    But I still hurt Jodi!!! Saying those words, making that choice, no matter how many times I say it, does not make the pain go away. It does not replace the love I should have received as a child. It doesn’t change anything!

    So sorry for the vent…but I am so very tired of meme’s and quotes and yes, blog posts, that imply that forgiveness will make all the pain go away. All these messages do is make us feel guilty that we are still hurting.

    I am NOT a victim. I am a survivor (big difference). BUT I STILL HURT.

    1. Jodi Lobozzo Aman

      I agree that people think about different things when they talk about forgiveness. When I talk about it I mean that you are escaping the pin you are held down by–the story of what happened and how it effected and defines you. This story is what holds you in pain. Also, lots of times when we have been abused, there usually is some self-blame present, no matter that it is irrational and undeserved. Knowing truly in your heart that it wasn’t your fault (self forgiveness if you will) can be powerfully relieving.

      Forgiveness is realizing that you are not separate, but connected to the whole. I had a powerful lesson around this recently!


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