You are probably thinking that the answer is “patience”, right?
Well, that too, but patience and is there to help you take a step back, and take a moment to think about your response. (And your response might be to have more patience.)
Patience is hugely important, but the response that you decide to take is what makes or breaks your relationships.
So what do you do if you are frustrated? Hurt? Angry?
Sometimes people are so attached to “no attachment,” they forget that we are still human and we feel. We feel sadness and hurt and disappointment. It is OK to feel that.
Feeling means that something is important to us.
What if, instead of complaining when you are hurt, or lonely, you pause. And then….
Ask for what you want.
How to ask for what you want
Check out my video to see what I mean.How to ask for what you wantClick To Tweet
What to do when you are hurt, frustrated, insecure, confused….and more…
1. Pause, take a breath
2. Feel your feelings, and love yourself through them.
3. Ask what does this hurt say about what I treasure.
4. Ask for what you want
Ask for what you want instead of complaining.
This is one skill that can make or break your relationships.
Hurt is evidence for that story inside of us that we are not good enough. We already feel the story, and hurt feelings make it explode and root more firmly in. Complaints are our defenses against that story. It is standing up. It means you think you are worthy. But implicit is also that you think the situation is saying that you are unworthy and this may not be the case.
When I didn’t put enough milk in my children’s cereal, it was no way a reflection of my lack of love for them. You and I can see that clearly, but for them at age 3, they experienced it in victim mentality. It WAS a conclusion about their worth in that very moment.
Even though they are standing up for themselves, complaints are standing up in a conflictual way. This is often experienced as an attack by the other person, if not cognitively, at least energetically. And their guilt often has them attacking back which totally invalidates the first person who needed validation more than anything else. Both people feel bad.
I want to stand different from this and help the people that I love and work with feel appreciated.
That is why I ask for what I want instead of complaining.
We need to model this to decrease conflict in our communities and in our world. We need to teach it to our children so that they can continue to change our world to a place of peace rather than hurt and fear.
Try this today. There are constantly opportunities for us to ask for something that we want. I know it is sometimes hard. But try it with something small today.
In the comments tell me about a recent experience when you either complained or asked for what you want and what happened as a result.