Feeling lonely sucks. Do you know why loneliness feels so bad?
In this individualistic culture, we get so ashamed that we can’t do everything all by ourselves.
This discourse that you are weak or wrong if you need other people can really do a number on you. Because it encourages you to isolate yourself. And isolation exponentially increases any problem.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” Maya Angelou
We are only a self in relationship. If you were in a vacuum, you couldn’t figure out who you are. This is why it is so important to surround yourself with people who lift you up. And why it is so devastating to your soul, when you have been around someone who puts you down. We see ourselves as how we are reflected back by the people around us.
Loneliness is so devastating.
It’s like we are floating around space without a tether. It feels empty. Judgment is rampant.
This is what a reader asked in a comment this week on my Love up instead of worrying down video.
…Sometimes I try to understand what makes it so important to feel how someone sees you, loves you or just thinks of you, when you already know they do? Why do we need witnesses to the pain when we know there is nothing to do about it? Sharing something good has a purpose. It makes another person happy too, but what is the purpose of sharing pain since the intention is certainly not to cause pain? I feel this need to share, and I know it is helping me when I do, but in order to stop judging myself or feeling needy when I do, I want to understand it.
I loved this opportunity to explain this, because this judgment that it is “not OK to be needy” is something so many of us carry. And it is a 1000 pound weight that nobody “needs.”
Here is my answer:
We are social beings. Our minds are horrible to ourselves when we are in isolation. [Especially when we are in pain.] When we share, it counters that violent isolated mind. We intuitively know we need to break that isolation, this is why we desire for someone to see us. It’s not because we are weak, but because we are smart.
“Stop swimming around in your mind. That is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone.” Marc Levy
Watch my video on three ways to stop feeling lonely:
Three ways to stop feeling lonely
1. Reach out to someone
Get to another person as fast as you can. Go against everything you are thinking about yourself and reach out to someone. You think you might feel worse, but it will make you feel better. You don’t have to tell them how you are feeling, just talk about anything. Even if it is the weather. You just have to get out of your head. You know this works because it probably has worked in the past. Don’t delay this time.
2. Do something with purpose
To stop feeling lonely: Get out of your head! Do something for someone else or for a good cause. This instantly can make you feel like you matter. It puts you on someone’s map. You belong in the picture of the world. Too boot, it can take you out of your own victimhood to help other people who are struggling.
3. Improve your relationship with yourself
First of all stop invalidating yourself and start validating yourself. Since we all know you are your own worst critic, than it’s mostly you whom you need validation from. Practice self compassion. A good rule of thumb is treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Be kind to you!
Getting involved in a creative project helps you feel connected to your own skills and abilities. Give yourself some good feedback by appreciating yourself.
4. Join my Anxiety Coaching Group.
In the end of the 6 weeks that we will spend together, you will…
- No longer be afraid of panic and anxiety loosening and then releasing it’s hold on you.
- Trust yourself and have more confidence.
- Actually enjoy life.
- Minimize physical pain.
- Feel lighter, stronger and more aligned with your life’s mission
- Understand how happiness works and how to get some
- Reconnect to your higher self
- Experience freedom of not being afraid all the time
- Have a group of dedicated folks who will be your touchstone when you need some encouragement.
- Feel open and understanding of your place in the world. Find out more here.
Loneliness like any pain, is an invitation. Show up and allow yourself to connect.
“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.” Dag Hammarskjold
How about you? What do you do when you are lonely? Or ask me a question below. I LOVE questions. They are opportunities!
“Solitude has soft, silky hands, but with strong fingers it grasps the heart and makes it ache with sorrow.” ― Khalil Gibran
I was alone or at least felt lonely all my life, but it wasn’t that devastating, that painful. I used to find many different ways to keep myself busy. being with others or sharing or even having friends never felt “safe”, so I was fine with my imaginary friends. It’s only when I started having friends and connecting with people that I understood how important it was. If I didn’t open up to others, to you, I wouldn’t be here. I still feel lonely often, mainly when having a bad day, but I know it’s only the fear and self judgement that stops me from reaching out.
Nikky44 recently posted..I challenged the Fear
You come so far, baby!
Jodi Aman recently posted..How to protect yourself from negative energy
Jodi, I felt like you were speaking to me, validating what I’ve been trying to do. I connect with people about my loneliness and hurt on my blog, but sometimes I feel weak in doing that. Thanks for reminding us that we all need others. Connecting with people in the “real world” is helpful too–even if I don’t feel comfortable talking about my concerns. As you say, talking about anything, even the weather, is getting ourselves out of our own heads. And I’ve been working to be of service to others, to use my gifts to help and encourage others.
Tina Fariss Barbour recently posted..Anguish, but Hope
Tina, I am so glad you felt like I was speaking to you! You do use your gifts to help others. I can see that plainly!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three ways to stop feeling lonely
Hi Jodi,
Loved your videos 🙂
Yes, sometimes it’s pretty bad when you are lonely, though I feel it’s actually a state of mind because you can be lonely even in a group of people if you want to – or else never to be so, no matter what. Being with people helps as you are not alone with your thoughts, though sometimes when you just go within, it hardly matters what the rest around you are saying…you are alone but not lonely 🙂
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
It is a state of mind and also can be an outer context. Whether the context is inside or outside, it is devastating…
Jodi Aman recently posted..Shrink #Anxiety by trusting yourself
Very often I find myself in a group of people and feel the loneliest ever. I feel I don’t fit in and I withdraw into myself. And then I want to be alone, away from others. I know that’s the worst thing I could do because it validates my loneliness. It is then when I need to reach out to someone the most or find an activity I enjoy. Thank you Jodi for reminding me about that!
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It is so much in our head’s that we feel like we are separate. It’s the only problem in the world.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Are you normal?
Hi Jodi! I agree that loneliness and isolation is very painful and harmful to us. Your suggestions are super helpful and definitely something that will benefit others. But for me there is a fine line between sharing your pain with others and driving them away at the same time. I know we need others to support and connect to, but if all we do is share that pain over and over again it starts to feel a bit like some poeple are using it to get sympathy and attention–and have no intention of ever moving on from it. I do my very best to support others and empathize with their experiences, but I have to admit that if it goes on and on and on then it’s very difficult to stay engaged. What I find works the best for me when I’m in pain is to journal and WRITE about it. When I start becoming my own advocate for both the pain and the joys in my life, I become less dependent on others. Then when I feel good about me I am MUCH better able to reach out and connect with others. I’m not saying I don’t share challenges with others, but that is not the main connection I have with them. Definitely a limitless conversation Jodi. Thanks for getting me thinking about this! ~Kathy
Taking time to write helps you really think about what happen and get different perspectives so that you can figure out how to act. It’s such a great activity!
Jodi Aman recently posted..5 ways to ease #Anxiety through nature
I love hearing your voice Jodi, it’s so peaceful. It makes things so clear into my mind.
When I used ti be lonely, I used to stay on my couch and wait till it gets better. It never really did get better.
Now, I have a different approach, I try to talk to people or write things down, just so it’s out. The pain of feeling lonely is out.
We need others and it’s not because we need them, that we are weak. I think that when we acknowleged that we need others, we are just true with ourselves and strong enough to make the step out of this state of loneliness.
Love and light to you Jodi and Many thanks for your soothing words.
Marie recently posted..Sympathy for the evil
I’m so glad you find my voice soothing and my suggestions helpful. I LOVE your different approach and honor your courage to try it!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Are you normal?
I think it is so important to validate yourself when you are feeling lonely. You are right that we are often our own worst critics and when we become lonely (at least for me) it is easy to beat the crap out of ourselves.
One of the best ways that I curb loneliness is by utilizing 1 and 2. I send out a text to someone I haven’t talked to in a while and tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Most often it helps us reconnect and also makes them feel better to know that someone is thinking about them.
Next time can you add a picture somewhere in the post Jodi. : D. I can’t share this on pinterest without an awesome image : D
Loneliness is a hard thing to admit to. It’s like saying ‘I don’t have any friends’ or ‘no one likes me’. There’s a stigma to it. But we can have lots of friends and even be in a marriage and feel terribly lonely. Your tips are awesome, Jodi. I usually email, text or call a friend for coffee. I may not tell her exactly what’s bothering me but just talking about ‘stuff’ gets my mind off my problems.
Jodi this is so beautiful, such a wonderful and powerful message! I feel like this is such an excellent video especially now in this generation where being lonely of showing emotions of weakness seems to be a “weakness” when in actuality facing it and understanding your lonely feelings are signs of strength. Also, you look beautiful 🙂
Loneliness is a terrible feeling and it can really do damage to one’s self esteem and other relationships, especially with yourself. This was a great post, and I enjoyed watching the video. I think keeping occupied and surrounding yourself with friends and family when possible is very beneficial.
I agree. We tend to want to isolate, but that usually makes us worse.
Hi Jodi,
What a convincing way of speaking you possess…I love those expressions in the video you have shared. You are right, we have to step out of that mindset, which always keeps whispering into our ears – nobody cares for me…I am better off without those people! Once we stop listening to that voice which isolates us, we can understand ourselves better. Loneliness is just within our thoughts, they don’t let us edge them out!
I had written an article on the same topic in February. Here is the link for those who may find it helpful:
http://balroop2013.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/emotional-health-is-loneliness-a-dilemma/
Balroop Singh recently posted..One-Year Journey…And It Continues!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and article. Lovely! Our mind’s are so powerful!
I always find that my craving for deep connection is at the root of my loneliness. I agree that reaching out to someone is a good step. I think reaching out to someone with whom you can create the kind of connection where you feel seen, heard and loved is even better. For me, luckily I’ve discovered that I have this kind of connection with animals. So when no humans are available (and sometimes when they are), I spend mindful time with my pets (although the one sitting on my lap right now smells a bit like poo, and that’s not so nice).
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Silence without love.
Powerful. Sad.
I. Love. You.
and your words, insight, & amazing heart. XXxx
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I’m often alone, but never lonely. I’ve learned to live with myself and I have friends/family a phone call or text away. Plus I know so many of my neighbors (thanks to needing to walk my dogs everyday), so it’s impossible for a day to go by and not speak to anyone.
But I think there’s a potential for people who do feel lonely to wallow in it rather than find a way out of it. These are great tips and I hope the folks in need take heed. You always give such great advice. These suggestions are often in front of us, but we don’t see it. So thank you, Jodi, so much for sharing.
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So true, We talk ourselves in and outta things when spending too much time alone. Social media, for some, becomes a way to connect and it’s somewhat superficial. It’s sad.
I feel lonely (and there’s a good chance that I’m depressed). I try to reach out, but its poising my relationships. My mother is very fragile and is prone to depression herself. I think talking to her is making it worse for her. I have two other friends, but I feel like when I try to talk about how I feel, I push them away. Sometimes i feel like unless you plaster on a fake smile, nobody wants to know. I’m just going through so much, and I feel like nobody wants to hear it. I have decided that I’m going to try and learn to like being alone rather than fight against it so hard.
I am reading the comments here, and there is a lot of good advice.
Thanks for the post
Hi Jodi Aman,
This is my first visit on your site and feel great to read your honourable opinion.
Really a lonely person feels so bothering and irritation. So i think the tips that you have shared above here, can remove all tensions and make feel free.
Thanks for sharing………please keep posting…..
Hi Jodi
Very loneliness free post as soon after reading it I found myself in between awesome community of this blog.
I think everyone feels lonliness often or sometime depending upon the way of living he is following. But mostly people apply wrong tips to end their feeling of loneliness.
You mentioned a great truth a negative can never be controlled with another negative and must resort to a strong positive for this purpose.
Thanks a lot for sharing this wonderful post.
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what do we do when we dont want to be lonely but dont want anybody but your partner?
We are social beings. When we limit ourselves to one person it gives that person a lot of power they may not want. There’s a ton we desire. It is uncomfortable to be the only one to supply that. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Is there a reason you only want one person?
Hi, feeling lonely comes naturally in ones life but being stuck in loneliness is a different thing, We really need to validate ourselves, show compassion and gratefulness, These virtues can help us a lot. Thanks for sharing. A very enlightening post.
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