“You are allowed to feel! You are allowed!”
I was “giving permission” to Betty, a client who was attempting to allow herself to be angry for the first time. She closed her eyes tight, tried to breathe, and stay with me, but panic arose.
“What might happen? This feels horrible!”
I asked her to describe how it feels and what images she might be seeing. (I wanted to shed light on it, so it wasn’t quite so dark and scary. When our problems remain in the shadows, they have more power over us. When we shed light on them and allow them, they can come forth, open up, and heal. The power then returns to us.)
She said it was like fist-sized balls of anger with barbed wires on them right in her chest.
“It feels awful. I don’t want to feel this way.”
Why you think it is so hard to feel
There are many reasons we don’t want to feel a feeling, but it usually leads back to guilt and fear. For her, it was both – guilt that she was not allowed to feel this way, which had developed into a fear if she did. She grew up in a culture that put women in their place and had sustained a violent marriage for many years. Anger would have brought her criticism and abuse. It was not safe.
I told her it was okay to feel angry. “It is appropriate for what happened to you.” This is a magic word for some people – “Appropriate.” They have gone on so long thinking they were “wrong” for their feelings. Perhaps other people told them they were wrong – “Don’t take it so personally.” “Just calm down.” “You need to let it go.” These all contribute to us judging ourselves, and thinking that our feelings are wrong or pathological. This is a double whammy – not only do you feel bad, you feel bad that you feel bad.
Thinking something is wrong with what we feel can cause so many problems in our lives. An unfelt, unresolved feeling, especially one we judge to be pathological can reek havoc on our emotions, relationships, and identity.
The stories about the feelings and what happened – blaming ourselves and blaming others – that fill our head, have us run away from feelings. This is why it takes so long to heal. We think a feeling is unbearable, yet we are willing to endure years of self torture with stories of blame, fear, and guilt cluttering our minds.
When we allow ourselves to feel, without the story, just feel, it can go away faster than you ever imagine. I’ll explain in this video…
Allow Yourself To Feel
“If you don’t start a feeling, you cannot take that feeling to an end.”
This quote is by one of my favorite authors, Geneen Roth. (LOVE her!)
Once your feelings are allowed, they will dissolve. And this, surprisingly does not take long.
In the session with Betty, I asked her to see those tight fists of barbed wire in her chest. To feel them fully without all that other garbage of blame, negative self-judgment and worry. Just feel them. Then, I asked her to breathe into them.
After breathing into her feeling for a couple of minutes, my client said that the ball of anger faded, lightened and came up into her throat.
“I’m ready to get it out and let it go,” she said resolutely.
She took the rock I handed her into both of her hands and brought it up to her mouth. She camayed (blew the energy of) the feelings out into the rock very hard from deep in her gut several times. After, sitting back on the couch with her eyes still closed, a peaceful look came over her face. She breathed and was quiet for a few more minutes, feeling the peace without the anger. Then she sat up, opened her eyes, and smiled.
“That felt so much better than holding it in!”
I smiled. “You are allowed to feel better, too!”
Do you want that relief right now?
I made you a special audio so you can be guided by me through this process for yourself! You can listen this “Two Minutes To Peace” meditation here for FREE.
Get more self-healing meditations.
How different would our world be if we allowed ourselves to feel and let go?