Since my recent TEDxWilmington talk was only 10 minutes, I wrote a few blogs to cover what I didn’t get to share in it. Today, I am expanding on kids’ resistance and complaining when asked to do chores because that shizzle is real!
You can check out some of my other TEDx blogs here: Dealing with Difficulty and How to get your kids to do chores.
Before I continue, please watch the talk (in case you missed it!)
Jodi Aman | TEDxWilmington
First, Understand Why Kids Complain
Brains have two jobs: 1. to survive/thrive, and 2. to conserve calories. This means we quickly assess anything we come across to see if it is for our survival or if it will help us thrive in life. If so, we prioritize that as important.
On the other hand, if we don’t assess something as helping us with surviving and thriving, then, we’ll experience biological, mental and emotional RESISTANCE to expend calories to do, read, engage or otherwise give any attention to it. It is biological. Our bodies want to save calories in case there is a food shortage.
It doesn’t happen when there is a food shortage, it happens in case there is one. For the first 2 million+ years of humanity, this has been important, for 3/4 of a century, less so.
Some experiences we consider benign and we move on from them. But when we assess something to be against surviving or thriving, resistance shoots up, for obvious reasons. For example, chores that feel challenging or tedious, or emotionally dangerous, or anything that could potentially evoke discomfort or anxiety, spike resistance.
Resistance breeds anxiety
The resistance is bad enough because it is hard to push past. But what is worse is that we attach meaning to this resistance, which usually builds more resistance. For example, we assume it means we are being oppressed (then we feel like a victim and trapped), this can make us feel defensive and more determined to resist. Or, we worry that it means something is wrong with us – we are lazy/mentally ill/physically ill/weak/incapable/stupid/ self-sabotaging – which makes us feel out of control. Both of these can be very distracting, anxiety-provoking, and conflict-producing.
This is exactly what we see when we ask our kids to empty the dishwasher.
Unfortunately, anxiety and conflict become the priority to deal with, and the chore is rendered unimportant at the moment.
What is worse is that, over time, if not understood, this resistance leads to negative identity conclusions as the chosen label – victim/stuck/lazy/mentally ill/physically ill/weak/incapable/stupid/ self-sabotaging – starts to stick, even though we were just a regular human having biologically-appropriate resistance. Over months and years of seeing yourself this way and the ensuing isolation this negative self-judgment brings, ongoing depression, anxiety, addiction, OCD, and more are the result. And then you assume you have a mental illness, and so… you have a mental illness.
If we understood what the resistance is, we can save ourselves a load of pain. Without the distraction, we can see the benefits of the chore. We would know that we are safe doing it, and that literally we are able to, even if we don’t want to. Once we do the chores regularly, this resistance goes down because the familiarity will make the brain see it as less of a threat. Get it?
What can parents do when kids complain
Life can feel so hard. When our kids are stressed, we have a lot of power to help them find meaning in the situation. We have to employ that power. We must help kids understand resistance is normal, and that they can override it, so things don’t spiral out of control, leading to long-term problems.
This is what you do: Validate it as what it is (explain it), be compassionate because you have felt it too, convince them of the benefits (listed in this post), and make them do the chore anyway so that resistance doesn’t win. They can see that it is not too bad. They can feel accomplished and build confidence in themselves.
Chores help us in so many ways that make for a better future. Kids need to see how they help us thrive so their brains will stop fighting and life will feel easier.
When do you feel resistance? What did you think it was before now?
Did you know I have a live-streamed talk show every Monday at 8 PM E on YouTube @doctorjodi? When you attend Live, you can ask me your questions. Get on the list to get reminders about the show, including the topic for the week, PLUS, receive my Gen Z Mental Health Resource Guide here:
Hi Jodi, its a great post about kids complain and anxiety is big issue these day in kids life . ….Thanks for sharing your though and helpful tips.
I’m a huge fan of digital minimalism, especially for children. That’s not to say that children shouldn’t learn how to use digital tools, rather that it should never be absent from directive and intent – with goals in mind. Parent-moderated goals.
Great post! It is a great idea, instead of being hyper or angry, we must patiently talk to them and overcome their resistance through logic, reason, and love. I also think that being good role models would also help if children see that we are very organized and like to keep things in order then there is a strong chance that kids would also be inspired to follow suit.