When you allow yourself to feel, you allow yourself to heal…
Many of us experience a situation like the loss of a friend or rejection of a lover and feel pain in our hearts. Panic sets in as we fear the painful feeling and what it might mean to our life. Soon, we begin to judge ourselves for feeling pain too much or too long, or not grieving the “right” way. To make matters worse, we feel shame and self-blame, and this has us isolate ourselves from those that love us.
When we suffer, stories fly through our head; stories about what happened, why it happened, whose fault it was, etc. In a way, these stories keep us from having to feel. Instead of feeling we are figuring it all out, making meaning around it, trying to make it have sense, and obsessing with it.
On the other hand, we can ignore the problem, pay no attention to it and fill ourselves up with other things that falsely promise us a sense of worth – unfulfilling relationships, food, video games, etc. We do anything to keep away from ourselves, thinking that we don’t have to see the worthlessness and loneliness, so then we don’t have to feel the pain. We find out sooner or later that these are empty promises and temporary solutions, masking yet, increasing the problem. And we spend so much of our lives running away from feelings, thinking they will hurt or there is something wrong with them.
One of the most powerful things you can do for healing is to allow yourself to feel. An unfelt, unresolved feeling, especially one we judge to be pathological can reek havoc on our emotions, our relationships, and our identity. We might not be feeling, but it feels like we are since we are suffering so badly.
Allow yourself to feel!
“If you don’t start a feeling, you cannot take that feeling to an end,” says Women, Food, and God, author, Geneen Roth. If we don’t feel, we are cheating ourselves out of the relief of finishing it. In a way, the feeling is chasing us, merely one step behind, keeping us moving, fighting, going in a perpetual state of anxiety since we cannot let down our guards lest it catch up.
When we allow ourselves to feel, without the story, feel, it can go away. The only way out is through. It’s faster than you ever imagined. You can get this Two Minutes To Peace meditation here for FREE to be guided through this process.
How would our lives be different if we just allowed them? Find out in my video below.
How to feel – Allow yourself to feel your feelings fully
However, if we allowed ourselves to feel it, it is never as bad as we assumed. The running is so much worse. We hurt ourselves in the guise of protecting. The actual feeling is easy compared to how the story about it has and is making us suffer.
It is in the story where we make meaning around the situation, often fearing the consequences, judging our responses, blaming others for hurting us, blaming ourselves for driving them to it. This fills our head, causing greater worry and stress. It is like worry on top of worry, and judgment on top of judgment. This increases the sympathetic nervous response and we feel terrible physically, emotionally, and mentally.
The stories about feelings and what happened to bring about them—blaming ourselves and blaming others—that fill our heads have us run away from feelings. This is why it takes so long to heal. We think a feeling is unbearable, yet we are willing to endure years of self-torment with stories of blame, fear, and guilt cluttering our minds.
What happens when you allow yourself to feel?
was waiting for it, thank you
nikky44 recently posted..Living in Hell
🙂
It completes the previous article i love you are allowed to feel. What is scary in “feeling” is I think the fear of losing control
nikky44 recently posted..Living in Hell
Fear of losing control is an illusion to keep your ego intact…
I love that first saying. Forgiving isn’t always easy, but it’s so necessary for both people involved.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..The Feeling of YA Books
Incredibly freeing!
Very, very true. Excellent insight.
Thank you Harry!
” We think a feeling is unbearable yet we are willing to endure years of self torture with stories of blame, fear and guilt cluttering our mind”-We all need to remember this. Its so true!
let it go let it go let it gooooooo!
You are so right Jodi!
I think when we hide our feelings or keep them away and not really let them surface, we start feeling bitter and troubled within. It is well known that hiding ones emotions and feelings affects our mind, body, spirit, and overall health.
I guess it works best to release those feelings that we otherwise wouldn’t have shared or spoken about, if we really want to let go and move ahead in life.
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
We are two peas in a pod, Harleena!
Running is so much worse. And no matter how fast and how far you run, the feelings do catch up with us.
Thanks so much for this excellent post – sharing.
The Writing Goddess recently posted..A-Z: Emotional Abuse – But It Was Only Words
You are welcome!
Jodi, I love this…but letting go, truly letting go takes a lot more than one thinks. Years of mindfulness practice and therapy in my case. Without guidance, letting go more often than not turns to avoidance. I believe we need a path or practice to “let go”. I would love to hear your thoughts.
It can take as long or short as you want, healing can come and go as I am sure it did to you over the years. Probably early on you found it even for a moment, felt one. It is the learning how to sustain it in the physical world. The time it takes depends on how strongly you are holding onto your ego. I agree that sometimes, avoidance is sometimes misconstrued, and said as much. Got to go in and through! Teaching, guidance is essential but can come from limitless sources.
oh wow would love to recieve further insight, as you so described me to a tee already. meditation is something I have never learned(been taught) how to do , and especially in the last 5 to 6 yrs have been in a dark place due to bad choices, bad friends etc etc and am currently seemingly stuck in a kick my own butt phase, cant “truly” forgive others n deff cant forgive myself for reasons unknown (at minimum not acknowledged) to myself. to reach the spiritual level I know is intended for me would be Amazing and so awesome! look forward to hearing from u again. Thank you in advance
Carole, so glad to have you here! Keep me posted on how my posts might be helping your progress. Ask a question in the ask page or I might answer in a post also! Forgiveness is always key!
Jodi,
This post is very meaningful to me because of what I’m trying to do now–face the feelings of anxiety of OCD and keep on going, not avoiding. In avoiding doing certain things, I’m trying to avoid the anxiety that I think will go along with the activity. But you’re right–there’s anxiety anyway about the anxiety! I’m working on it. I’m working on it. . . .
Tina Barbour recently posted..Learning: The power of poetry
Great post, Jodi. Well said, and I hope it’s taken to heart. Thanks, always, for your wisdom.
Monica recently posted..Fifty Fifty Challenge “Marches” On
You’re a smart woman, Jodi, as well as a beacon of light.
“It is like worry on top of worry, and judgment on top of judgment.”
This makes people powerless and makes it difficult for them to see what role they had. It can be a cycle.
totsymae1011 recently posted..Holla Back
An excellent and well written post that will bring life and healing to readers if they follow it’s wisdom. Well done Jodi for this beautifully affirming write!
Jodi, this is so true. Healing the feeling is hard. I experienced this more than any other type of death with the suicide of friends. There are so many questions left behind.
On a happier note, though, I did want to tell you that I added a Top Commenters widget to my blog and you are number 5! When people click on your name, it takes them to your site, so hopefully your visits to Everyday Underwear will pay off by bringing you a little increased traffic as well! :0) Thanks for being a faithful follower!
Cindy Brown recently posted..The Power of Suggestion… by My Weak Mind
This is good advice. I can’t say that I always follow it, but I’d like to think I try.
You’re awesome the way you are.
Beautiful post Jodi. I particularly love “If we don’t feel, we are cheating ourselves of the relief of finishing it”. So much better to experience the initial sting of pain and see it through to the end rather than numbing it down or ignoring it x
I hear you sister!
Great post! It is so hard when the feelings you are avoiding come from trauma, but in my experience–allowing myself to feel them is really the only way to make them go away. Trying to ignore them turns into a mental game of whack-a-mole! Feeling them and working through them is what has give me a some measure of peace.
Leslie recently posted..PTSD and Mindfulness: Stop the Time Travel
Thanks Leslie! You got it, allowing to feel is not getting suck in it, but feeling it so it can be let go! Thanks for ocmmenting and welcome!