How do I transcend fear? Two things to keep in mind:
Connect
Fear often has us feeling very alone. If we have experienced trauma in our life, this sense of vulnerability multiplies to a panic. Some of us isolate ourselves, which only makes the situation worse. Others feel an intense need to be around someone who loves them and cares.
This feels like a protection against what might harm them and helps them feel not quite so alone. I always side on connection being the best counter to anxiety. Staying home, alone, stationary is the worst thing you can do. Being around people, feeling connected to them and to the world around you, fortifies you with a sense of purpose and belonging. This counters fear as it goes against what the trauma made you feel like: unworthy and useless.
Feeling feelings
Sometimes while are healing, we are bringing to surface some old feelings that have been buried deep by skills of survival when we were going through a difficult situation. At times, it is important to see these feelings so that we can let them go, difficult as that might be. It is important to feel them fully so that we can process them, but it is less re-traumatizing if we did that without the story. We suffer much more from the story than from the actual feelings.
Let me explain. The story tells us what happen is our fault, that we are still vulnerable, that we deserved whatever, that we are useless, the world is pointless. It is where we judge ourselves, become angry at the injustice, lament what we lost, get frustrated that we can just “get over it.” Anytime I help people feel the feeling, suspending this mind chatter- this story about the problem- it feels much easier to manage the feeling, and 99% of the time, they come to a place of peace quite quickly. See meditations Day 4: Two Minutes to Peace if you want to try it.
Transcend fear instead of running away from it
Running away from fear, actually gives it power. When you let fear know you are afraid, it preys off this vulnerability. Standing strong like Truman in the The Truman Show, when he is terrified of water and they sic a storm on him. He sticks with it and says, “Is that the best you can do?” He is saying that I am not afraid of you. They intensify the storm in attempts to control Truman, but instead he becomes more empowered. The storm ends. The director has no more power and acquiesces to Truman, allowing him to be free. Fear will do the same. If we asked fear is that the best you can do, it would fizzle out. It has no power unless you are afraid of it. Face it, feel it, watch it pass.
You are not alone
None of us are really alone. Even if we feel alone physically, there are people in the world that care about us. But there are also people in the spirit world that care about us, love us more than we can imagine. The Holy Spirit, God, Saints, our spirit guides, teachers, angels, ancestors, loved ones who have passed away are always available to call on when we need them.
When I feel most afraid, I imagine them gathered around me, putting a force field of light to protect me from any harm. I call this a spiritual restraining order. We can do it anytime,wherever we are. We can even do this for someone we love, whether they be near or far. Skeptical? Check out: Of course it is happening inside your head, but that doesn’t mean it is not real. If you don’t believe in these entities, you can put a force field around yourself.
The other meditation imagery I like to use is the igloo. Imagine an igloo around yourself, filled with light, warmth, and joy. You are safe, calm and happy in there. The outside of the igloo is covered with mirrors. Anything that might harm you, be they memories, or bullies or scary images will just bounce right off. You can put the igloo around yourself, or a room or even your whole house!
You talked to me in one of your replies to my comment last week about My Fear.
By mentioning those different points, I see clear how much i have improved. I wasn’t sure of my progress, but it’s obvious when i read what you wrote above.
Connect: I used to isolate myself (although i was anyway isolated), I used to do it even more, by even ignoring myself and others around me. I could become a walking robot that has no feelings, no pain, no emotions. Now, I turn to my online friends. Sometimes i can write, or call a specific person, some other times I just send a short message just saying hello, so that i feel that other person’s presence with me. It is very rare that I talk about my fear. Knowing that someone is with me, is enough to calm my fear.
Feeling the feeling: That is a hard part as after so many years of hiding the fear and hiding behind the fear, it is not easy to change it unless guided by professional or experienced friends. In fact it is very hard, and therapy didn’t help so far.
Stop running away from fear:I have learned that lately in a difficult way. Hiding made things worse, and take longer. Facing the fear and what is causing it is the best way to make it easier.
You are not alone: Now I know I am not. I believe. I started feeling it too, but I still need so much help in that and I have so many questions too.
I love this post Jodi. Just what I needed in general, and most specifically today, as today I am scared. Thank you.
nikky44 recently posted..Celebrating Her Birthday
We are all behind you, putting that force field around you! And all of your questions will be answered. You’ll find that they don’t even matter at some point. This you thought mattered, will no longer. This will free you like nothing else!
Thank you Jodi 🙂
You have no idea how much comfort and peace I get from you. When I trust, when I have faith, all questions are irrelevant. You are right
thank you
nikky44 recently posted..Celebrating Her Birthday
Thank you Jodi very much 🙂
You have no idea how much comfort and peace I get from you. When I trust, when I have faith, all questions are irrelevant. You are right.
nikky44 recently posted..Celebrating Her Birthday
You tell me, thank you! I’m grateful it making a difference but you are why!
Thank you for your visit.
Your post on fear… I like to get to know ‘fear’ in every aspect …just like I would with any other trait. Without fear I would not know what love..courage…strength would be. I will not run away from fear but I won’t face fear with negativity either.
Fear is what encourages me to seek further … to look deeper and most importantly to be honest.. completely and fully with my inner self.
What a lovely comment! Yes, knowing the ins and outs of it can help you change your relationship to it. It can put you in the drivers seat and from there decide better how to respond!
I do like to face my fears head on. I don’t want to be afraid of anything, so I try to figure out what scares me and how I can overcome it. It’s not always easy, but it beats the alternative–living in fear.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Monday Mishmash 3/5/12
I learned through my fear that Avoidance Strengths Fear — there is actually a chemical shift in our physiology when we avoid doing what we fear that releases a dopamine (SP) that reconstructs our neural pathways — when we avoid we get a high that says — now that felt good — momentarily. And then, the next time we go to do it — our little minds chatter — remember how good it felt last time not to do it — don’t do it now and you’ll feel better….
I really appreciate what you wrote — it speaks to my heart! Love the idea of a spiritual restraining order.
Though…. I laughed when I read about your igloo. I slept in one once, a snow cave, and it wasn’t all that ummm….. comfortable 🙂
Thanks for this! Brilliant!
Louise G recently posted..Engage in the creation of beauty
Thank you so much Louise! That means so much coming from someone like you. Yes, I am sure a real igloo wouldn’t be comfortable, haha! I pretend this one has all of the comforts of home! 🙂
Phew, Jodi, this post speaks to me. I started working from home full-time last year so that I could focus on writing, but I’m discovering that I’m becoming more reclusive and it hasn’t been a good thing for my mental health. I’m now trying to get out more, connect, be with people, etc. out of necessity — to counteract both anxiety and the feeling of disconnect, two different things that you mention, but I agree, both are amplified if we spend too much time by ourselves.
Laura Zera (@laurazera) recently posted..My Skate Bag
No doubt! I always thinking of you as a connector this must feel more true to you than being isolated, since it so resembles your natural state!
As a matter of fact, I really like your fear management excercise! Sometimes, when I am home alone, in the darkness I think of ghosts and bad spirits who want to hurt me, and eventually I get really scared, I can feel my heart beating very fast and want to run away, while I am aware of the fact that it is only my mind playing games with my body. So, I should be able to do the opposite too!!! 🙂
Such a useful post. Im currently in difficult post-love period. Your comparison to Truman Show is brilliant. I never saw it this way – thanks!
Zinedine,
Thanks for commenting. Post love is a difficult time! It is heartbreaking, literally. Feel and you’ll get through it faster! ‘Give me the best you got!’
Great post. After a decade of some heart wrenching situations, the loss of my parents and other family members, and financial troubles, my default mindset became fear and anxiety. How I did and do transcend fear was by acknowledging the good things in my life – especially my children and my husband. I try to stay grateful.
Fi Phillips recently posted..Isabelle’s Song
We so often focus on what we are lacking! We have to switch that as you do aptly express! Thanks, Fi!