When someone you love is in pain, you look for ways to be helpful.
When we love someone so much, it seems harder to see them hurting than to feel hurt ourselves. I find this especially true with my children. I’d gladly take their anxieties away even if it means I’d feel it stronger. In a way, I am feeling it because I love them but I don’t stay here because besides it doesn’t help them much.
In pain is in love
Pain is a growth mechanism for us. We can stay in bitterness and resentment when we are in pain, or we can grow, learn, make new meaning about our circumstances becoming more evolved than we were before. Pain can be an opportunity to go into ourselves and find out best parts. Pain is a testimony to what is important to us. Once we discover that preciousness, we can make choice in that direction bettering our life in ways we may have never thought possible.
I don’t want to keep anyone from this possibility, not even my kids. This is their journey. However, going it alone is not a good plan either. Developing and growing is far easier in relationship. In fact, humans are social learners- we learn faster and more in relationship. Some might argue relationship is the only way we learn. Our loved ones, colleagues, friends, and acquaintances are mirrors. They reflect back to us ourselves. We are all connected. Their judgments are a reflection of our own, their kindness is a reflection of our goodness. I want to reflect back as much goodness as I can.
We can’t protect our loved ones from feelings, but we can help them deal with them. And this can benefit them far more than living a sheltered life, with no experiences.
What do I do when someone is in pain
People ask me how I do what I do: Walk with people who are in (emotional) pain all day. But I have seen people who have come past their pain. Over and over I have seen people out the other side, maybe not glad they had the bad experience, but so glad of what it brought them. Because of this, I understand that pain is temporary, (much harder to see when you are in the midst of it), and that there are choices and actions people take to decrease (or increase) the length of time pain has a hold on them.
When people are hurt they are often clouded with victim thinking, or an “I can’t” mentality. Everything that they experience validates this. If I worry about them and focus on that pain and how unfair it is, or if I think I am helpless, I become a victim too, and they feel worse then they did before. The best thing to do is to see it differently: believe in them. Because our minds are connected, if I forgive myself for whatever they are grappling with, this will help them heal faster. If I right my mind and know they are not a victim, that they are divine light, then they will see that Self reflected back to them. Love them up instead of worrying yourself down. Know that what they are experiencing is just an experience. Your confidence in them will be contagious.
“When you do you allow people to have their experience without judgment and when do you intervene and offer assistance?” You are wondering. This is the million dollar question. Even harder when you think these are two different options. The answer is yes.
What do you do when someone you love is in pain?
Just a gentle reminder. Partners are invited to the Reclaiming Your Soul Retreat: Healing From Sexual Abuse and Assault April 11-13. Grasping a new identity and developing a strong sense of self love is easier to develop and sustain surrounded by our loved ones. Please consider joining us. It is time to register. What are you waiting for?
“For survivors, trust and abandonment are two of the core issues that must be resolved…When a partner’s overtures are met with distrust & suspicion, the partner’s natural tendency to withdraw triggers the survivor’s feelings of abandonment. This reinforces the validity of the survivor’s feelings & deepens the spiral of distrust & betrayal.” Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide For Partners of Incest by Ken Graber, M.A.