Worrying about feeling too needy is all too common today. Do you know why? Shame is rampant. We feel unworthy of other’s people time and energy. It is just a consequence of us deep down feeling that we are not good enough.
Most of us KNOW we are good enough, at least at some level. But in our hearts, we still worry we are not, and everyone else will find out soon.
This strips us of our confidence. It makes us insecure and feeling unworthy. Feeling disempowered in ourselves, we look to others to make us feel better. This is smart as long as you pick the people in your life who lift you up, rather than those who push you down.
However, if feelings of unworthiness get under our skin, we isolate ourselves and this is the worst thing for us! Our shabby self esteem has all kinds of justifications for it, and we end up feeling worse. Negative thoughts become incredibly powerful and violent when they stay in our head alone. And this makes us more in need.
Then, we need others to make us feel better.
When you disconnect from people who love you because you feel unworthy, this makes things hard for them. The energy feels accusatory. Their ego registers guilt and this doesn’t feel good. They may not be able to take a step back, and have awareness about what is going on, and realize that you are calling out for love.
So that guilt might cause them to do something that invalidates you rather than makes you feel better.
You can’t give all that power to them, because even the nicest people in the world are not perfect. And on their hard days, will respond out of their own shame.
So the best way to stop yourself from being needy, is to love yourself through it.
The best way to stop yourself from being needy is to allow yourself to be needy. Yep. Be really needy and appreciate all that someone does for you. Your loved one will not be defensive and love to feel helpful! Then, as if by magic, you will feel so validated and worthy that you will stop being needy.
(This seems weird that I am promoting your end goal to be “less needy”, while telling you that I want you to be totally OK with being needy. This complication is why it is so hard for us to figure out! But just trust me on this. Be needy!)
Same with being too sensitive.
Somewhere along the line “too sensitive” got a bad rap, too.
Sensitive is wonderful, beautiful, blessed.
If we are ashamed of being too sensitive, however, this becomes a problem. We feel awful about ourselves and this can be painful. Then it becomes more proof that we are “sensitive.”
Listen, it’s not the sensitivity that is painful, it is the shame about. If you are sensitive and acknowledge yourself compassionately about it, you can move on quickly. When you feel sensitive and get caught in the shame, you are stuck and it feels ten times worse.
You just think of it as being REALLY sensitive. But it is not.
What we don’t realize is that shame is the problem.
Shame is always the problem.
Watch this video where I explain a bit more in depth.
How to Stop feeling Lonely
[clickToTweet tweet=”Are you too needy or too sensitive?https://jodiaman.com/blog/are-you-too-needy-sensitive/ #tooneedy” quote=”Are you too needy or too sensitive?”]
Tell me a time in a relationship when it was mutual and you both felt good about what you gave to each other. Did it make you more confident and relaxed?
Being or feeling needy causes me pain, deception, and of course shame. I never feel needy when the relationship is equal, when I take what I need, but also give what the other person needs. It’s a great feeling to be in a relationship where I know I can express my needs without judging myself. I feel “safe” to say: I need help, I need a hug, I need to talk to you, etc. These relationships are when I know that the other person expresses her needs too. The shame and guilt come when the other person doesn’t need me in anything. It makes me feel selfish, useless. In that case, calming my guilt is in offering to help. Helping brings me back to an equal relationship. If I can’t even help in any way, the “neediness” increases and the shame and guilt increase wih it.
Hi Nikky!
I totally, totally get it. But perhaps the one sided-ness is in your head? It comes from shame,too. You see, wishing good things for someone, sharing with them, praying for them and appreciating them is absolutely priceless. Never underestimate this, because these are your BEST qualities and can fill a person up!
Shame can make us obsessed with wanting to feel needed by tricking us into thinking we are unworthy. It’s the exact same thing I am talking about in this video, just a variation. Love yourself and all of you and relationships will automatically feel more even. You don’t even have to keep track. “Love holds no record…”
You are always helpful!
Love,
Jodi
Thank you Jodi.
Wishing good things for someone, praying for them and appreciating them is to everyone, the people I love most but also those who hurt me most. These don’t feel like a need the other person has? Those are “rights” everyone deserves?
Yes, they are the biggest needs we have, to not be alone and to be acknowledged. They are the keys to healing. Yes, everyone deserves them, but they are not an entitlement, not a given. They are truly special. If you see them as important contributions, you can shift your shame in a huge way and relax in your relationships. Life will get easier and more joyful.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Are you too needy or too sensitive?
Thank you. I think I understand. My main needs are to be believed/understood and loved.
This is what everybody needs. Can you see how what you are offering helps with these essential needs? You always give these in relationships. You worry because of shame’s influence. You are enough being you.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Are you too needy or too sensitive?
Thank You so much Jodi…really resonates..xo
Donna
Thanks, Donna, I was worried I was being too specific and wouldn’t be for my wider audience. Or rather they wouldn’t recognize themselves in this video. I do have a sense that we all feel like this deep down, and even if we aren’t aware, it affects us! So I appreciate your feedback.
Love the word resonates!
I’ve never liked feeling needy so I’m one to just not mention my needs. I know that’s not the right answer at all. Definitely something I need to work on.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Monday Mishmash: 6/2/14
I think you go for things face on, even if it is this.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
I think you’ve hit on something really important here Jodi. The worse we feel about ourselves in ANY situation (including being needy or insecure) the harder we judge ourselves and the worse we make the situation. As you say, we push others away from us instead of bring them in. It’s all about our judgment of ourselves and the shame that brings. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy for sure. I must confess that in the beginning with my husband, I was much more “needy feeling” and it was all because of what you say, I was judging myself and not finding myself worthy. Fortunately I have been able to work through that by learning to love and appreciate myself and I feel EXACTLY that now back from my husband. Thanks for this great post! ~Kathy
You are helping me with this message with your story. Thank you so much! Real examples help the penny drop! It’s so hard to understand, because fear can be so big and the urge to protect yourself can be so powerful, but when you let go, it is so awesome!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Hi Jodi,
Absolutely! You do feel more relaxed and at ease when you are in a relationship and there is mutual love and understanding. You are certainly much more confident about yourself. The self esteem and self confidence is what you gain with a partner who boosts it up for you. Although the power lies within us, but if you are in a relationship and kind of depend on another person, their presence does affect you too.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
You are very welcome!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Hi Jodi, great observations. I’ve noticed that what creates or raises the needy, sensitive feelings is when we criticize others…watch their flaws more so than looking for what shines in others. What happens when we do this, is it makes us shrink, instead of doing what we often think would be the case; making those we are critical of, shrink.
Spending a lot of timely (sincerely albeit) looking for compliments about others is the best security blanket I know of. I “try” to practice it all the time.
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RY, you are saying the same thing I am but in a way for more to understand! When we are insecure, we often notice the negative and refelct this. The other person feels accused and reacts. If we see the good an point it out, real different relationship!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Hi Jodi,
Feeling needy? Being sensitive? We all have these aspects to our personality…we have to deal with them by being compassionate to ourselves, by being mentally strong, by accepting that it is just human to be needy and sensitive. So the feeling of guilt has to be drowned down when we try to understand ourselves and work on more positive ways of embellishing our relationships. All that we need lies within us…we just have to look within. May be we need the right people around us to guide and Jodi is definitely one of them. Thanks Jodi, for being such an Angel!
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You are so sweet, thank you Balroop! I do believe in surrounding yourself with positive people. It changes your life. But if you are negative, you better lift yourself up before you bring everyone esle down.:)
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Hi Jodi, at first the idea of feeling more needy by judging myself was confusing but as i’ve practiced letting go of the shame around whatever situation i feel “too needy” in, its become more clear. One example of a time in a relationship where me and someone else have both felt good about what we were giving has been when my dad and I e-mail back and forth when he is away for long periods of time. neither of us feel pressured to keep in touch in this way. the words and ideas we both express to each other have left us feeling increasingly understood and loved by one another and for me, less guilty when I feel needy in another relationship!
I love hearing about your dad and you! xo
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
This was a great post. I definitely can relate as I was either too needy/sensitive in the past or not needy enough because like you said I was ashamed to need someone else. I agree that giving yourself over to the feeling of neediness and allowing yourself to feel needy and know that you will get through is important. Instead of running away from the feeling embrace it, my therapist says that to me all the time ; D.
Wise therapist!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Beautifully shared as always Jodi. I hate feeling needy, maybe because the last time I felt like it, the other person just treated me like a weak person, not worth the love he was about to share with me.
It’s good to be needy in a relatiosnhip, when we both are, when we both are ready to share good and bad times, when we are both ready to expose ourselves to each other, without worry or shame.
As for the sensitive part, it’s hard to live in the body of a sensitive person. I mean it’s hard for me. But slowly I am learning to reconsider it and see the beauty in it.
Stay well and blessed for sharing such inspiring ideas always.
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Thanks you, sweet Marie, treating you as if you are weak is a tactic of power. Big red flag. So glad you got away! Stay blessed, too, my dear!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Totally agree with you on this one, Jodi. For me, getting to a place where I fully believe, down to every cell in my body, that I am worthy, has been my greatest challenge. And as for shame, I agree with you there, too. It’s awesome that a “national” conversation about it has finally started, because once we identify it and name it, we can hopefully do something about it, because it truly is rampant in our society.
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Thanks, Laura!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
This mutual thing has never happened to me. I’m too needy, try to hard or whatever. It just never happens.
You are worthy of it, believe you are and you’ll notice a shift. I know relationships are confusing when you have been so hurt. I’m sorry about that.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Thanks for another dose of encouragement and insight Jodi! I have always been the giver in my relationships and have a very hard time admitting that I need something back from my partner. This has caused sadness and resentment to grow in my heart. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to need others; in fact it helps me and the other people grow.
Even in my most dire times, as my marriage was coming to a crashing halt, needy is one thing I never felt. In fact, I truly believe that not being needy enough is what has made it hard to be in a relationship. I keep hearing, I’m too strong, too independent, too smart. Oh well, I don’t care. I prefer being all that than the opposite. I think men I’ve met along the way seemed more interested in having someone they could take care of. Yeah, that’s not me at all.
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Never change who you are if you feel good about it.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Great topic, Jodi. I think when we’re going through the hardest times, we are afraid of opening up and asking for help. Admitting we ‘need’ someone is scary and makes us feel weak but really it takes strength. I’m always reminding myself of this. Your video is so inspiring. I’m very fortunate that in my relationship I can ask for help and be vulnerable without fear.
lisa thomson-The Great Escape… recently posted..The Wine Diaries-Downsizing After Divorce Isn’t All Bad
Fear is very powerful, it has so many trcik to keep us down. “You’ll get hurt” and “you’ll be judged” are powerful messages it uses to convince us! Big lies! I am so glad you have a good one now! You deserve it! (We all do.)
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Excellent.
I admit it. I need other people. I need connections, validation, comfort, relationships.
I need God. Badly.
I CANNOT do it alone.
I ADMIT it.
I have friends who give me what I need & in turn, I give them what they need.
Thank you, Jodi.
You always make me feel better. Always. xxxxxxxxxx
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Thank you! I admit it too! I need!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Hello,
Wonderful post indeed 🙂
If we are in true relationship and our partner is loyal and love us so much then its obvious we love our partner more and feel relax more and more. Your 5 min video explained things in deeply. Thanks a lot for sharing this video and post with us,…
~Diana
Thanks so much for coming by Dr. Diana! So glad to connect!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Great post, Jodi. Love your work!
Shame is an important topic, a big part of our lives and mostly not gotten AS shame. As soon as I get my shame as shame, I get unshackled. xx
Such a good point. It hides as other things, and this is how it holds its power. Sneaky bastard!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Out of fear of being too needy, I distanced myself from others. It happened gradually, and now I feel totally alone. I built a wall so high and so thick that I’m not able to break it now.
I don’t think I’ve necessarily ever felt needy ABOUT a relationship in particular, but there were quite a few years of my life when I was really needy (of emotional support) just in general – around friends, boyfriend, family etc. I felt better when I had a counsellor because then I had someone to pay to talk to and I felt that since I was paying it was more ‘ok’. But I definitely was very self absorbed. I literally found it difficult to listen to other people because my head was so busy that I’d find myself getting distracted and I found I just had verbal diarrhoea – I couldn’t stop talking about how awful I felt and all of the things going on in my mind. Obviously my friends got annoyed with me, and my parents too, and my boyfriend sometimes I’m guessing although he didn’t really say anything. It’s better now because I’ve gone back to being able to calm myself down. It was just those years where I literally couldn’t. I kept trying, really I did, but I couldn’t calm down.
I know I’ve kind of solved the problem by going back to my former independence, but I can’t stop feeling guilty about those years whenever I am reminded. I almost want to cut everyone out and start afresh somewhere new where no one knows. I’m so incredibly ashamed. My friends and boyfriend from that time (ex now, we split up a couple of years back) all still like me and want to be around me, so it’s not exactly like I’ve broken relationships or anything. I’m guessing they have forgiven me even if I can’t forgive myself. The problem is I just can’t face to remember myself like that. I hate myself for it. I feel like I’ve ruined myself and when it gets really bad I feel like I just can’t bear to live with myself.
Is there a good way to just let yourself go? To forgive yourself? To be ok with having been that way? I feel like I’ll never outlive it.
You can outlive it. It’s a decision to forgive yourself. It’s not helping you in any way. You have no more work to do to make up for that time, bc everyone forgives you. Now it’s time for you too. Did you watch my free videos? http://themaptowholepeace.com? This will teach you why you deserve to let go and tell you exactly how to!