I miss my family while I am working.
My clients when I am home.
I miss friends who live out of town. And old friends I don’t speak with.
I miss my family members who have passed on.
Missing people can feel painful at times when the longing feels huge and a loneliness creeps out of the darkness.
Also, missing someone can feel like we lost part of our heart, or limb off our body. And we think we’d go crazy without that piece, like it is hard to breathe without it. But the air still comes in and out –much to our chagrin.
Missing makes us feel separate, “away” from the one we love, un-whole, or broken. This allows an undeserving aspect sneaks in, even if it is not conscious, it affects us.
We can’t have them because we are not enough.
It sounds ridiculous when said out loud but it holds great power when whispered in our soul.
Be honest, many of you think this on some level. I know I have been there many times.
One of those times was when a relationships ended. It felt like there was a hole in my day without those texts and messages that fed and supported me.
I was crushed and confused. I found myself saying “I miss you, I miss you” over and over in my mind wondering what happened. I was consumed by the grief. And felt trapped by it, because it seemed impossible to escape without the presence of that precious person.
I wanted to cry every second of the day, which I pretty much did for a while. And, lie in bed reading inspirational love quotes.
Unfortunately, while it is a regular human emotion, there seems to be no tolerance in our culture to “miss.”
“Just move on.” people told me.
Maybe because it scares those who love me to see me so hurt.
But feeling unsupported makes feeling alone, feel even more alone.
How could I move on with a broken soul?
We can’t have them because we are not enough.
It sounds ridiculous when said out loud but it holds great power when whispered in our soul.
Be honest, many of you think this on some level. I have been there many times.
One of those times was when one of my best friends who I spoke to everyday just stopped talking to me. It felt like there was a hole in my day without those texts and messages that fed and supported me.
I was crushed and confused. I found myself saying “I miss you, I miss you” over and over in my mind wondering what happened. I was consumed by the grief. And felt trapped by it, because it seemed impossible to escape without the presence of that precious person.
I wanted to cry every second of the day, which I pretty much did for a while.
Unfortunately, while it is a regular human emotion, there seems to be no tolerance in our culture to “miss.”
Missing means loving
Missing is a longing for someone (or object) that is important to you. The intensity in which you miss, is testimony to how precious that person, or pet, or object is.
The trick is to stay connected. That person and his or her influence are still part of you.
Watch my video and I will tell you how to stay connected.
It has helped me to practice remembering (a concept by family therapist, Michael White). I think about the presence of that person’s influence on me (in me and with me).
Did “I miss you” ever mean “I love you” to you?
Ask yourself these four questions
1. What did he or she contribute to my life? What did he or she appreciate about me?
2. What did these say about who I am as a person?
3. What ways did I contribute to his or her life?
4. How did those contributions affect him or her as a person?
(How did those contributions affect how he or she saw her/himself?)
I asked myself these questions and it fixed the broken parts of my heart. These influences cannot be taken away.
I changed my mindset.
Instead of focusing on the separation which was tearing me apart, I connected to the love between us, which helped me feel more connected to my friend. And so more connected to my self.
It felt eternally better being about love than about loss.
While there is physical separation, the relationship doesn’t end if I don’t want it to. The relationship is wherever I am. Even if someone dies biologically, the relationship lives on and grows and changes.
This quiets the loneliness because how can I be lonely while still connected?
There is still love. They still love me. I still love them. Isn’t that what I long for? Peace returned to my heart and mind. I can still be grateful that we were friends at all. Even with the loss, our friendship was worth every moment.
A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam and for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belong to our world but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all.
This is what two sisters wrote on FB about their mom on the anniversary of her death:
Crazy, time is. That it’s been two years since we said goodbye to you as we knew you, mom, seems impossible. Thank you for your gifts of spirituality, of compassion, of service, and especially of generosity. You have been, and will always be, an inspiration to us, and the best part of us. Two years ago this early am we said goodbye to mom, Oma Lin. Driving home in the blizzard of snow and thinking this just isn’t real. Time goes by and though we are sad and miss her I talk to her often and feel her next to me. I still remember her words and her beautiful soul. Here’s to you mom, we were so lucky to have you.
Holidays are hard when you are missing someone. Have compassion for yourself, love yourself through it, and allow yourself to connect to the love.
When we miss, we feel separate, and when we love, we feel connected. Who are you missing right now?
It’s not a limb that one loses, it’s part of the soul, the heart, the blood.
My sister was a BIG part of my identity & made me a Better person.
Without her, I am less, not more. That’s the truth.
Jodi, thank you for your words & insights. xx Luv U
You are more awesome than you think you are. And Kay is even bigger too! Love you back!
I miss you Jodi
That’s sweet Mary. Hope you had a good Chirstmas. Hope you liked the video!
Thanks. I can also see how these things can be useful when you find yourself missing someone who is actually not very good for you to be around, who is abusive or simply uncaring. Those types of dynamics lead to a loss of a sense of self worth and it can be useful to see that you are whole and that value can be salvaged even out of such a painful situation. It can help someone to move ahead rather than seek to go back to the situation or seek a similar one.
Missing someone who is not good for you is for another post. Some of the messages an abusive person gives you, you don’t really want to keep forever, you want to disconnect from those things so they don’t hook onto your memory. This is a post about people who have lifted you up. Hope that clarifies. Thanks so much for coming!
Sometimes it’s not even something that once was that I miss. Lots of times, it’s what never was.
Patty recently posted..Magic and Wonder
I totally understand. I wish for a different way to be.
I miss my husband. We are separated and we will get divorced. After 23 years, I miss him so much, even though we were not close. It has been six months since he left, he has moved on and I can’t . I miss him everyday.
Oh Gabriela, I didn’t know. I am so sorry. Sometimes, like Patty we miss what we had wished for. After 23 years of one way, it’s hard to be another. I’m so sorry! How are the girls?
I miss my sister and yes, I can understand the sentiment behind ‘I miss you’! We only use this expression when we love somebody beyond words.
Balroop Singh recently posted..Learning To Control And Train Our Emotions
That’s beautiful, Balroop. I know I’ve said it when I had no other words to describe that grief. Just raw, “I miss you,” I’m sorry about your sister. xoxo
I hadn’t really thought about it that way, but it resonates. It’s also why I hate saying goodbye to people when I have a deep connection with them and know I won’t see them for a long time (and then I cry like a baby for an hour after I’ve said goodbye).
This post also reminded me of something I read recently. There’s a big difference between saying to yourself, “I want to feel loved,” and “I want to feel love.” The first one places emphasis on the external, and the second one, on the internal. One tiny letter is different, but it could make all the difference for how you respond to missing or losing someone, too.
Laura Zera recently posted..Year-end Fun: Updates on Past Posts – Travel & More
You are a big ole teddy bear! So I want to feel loved is about worth, and I want to feel love is about aspiration? That is something I would like to reflect on this week. I love it!
I miss several people in my life. They are very important to me and have often given me a purpose for living. But sometimes I feel they give me more than I give them. I try to give them a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on and someone they can depend on. And maybe that’s enough.
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Hi Jodi Aman,
This is my first visit on your site and really feel so good to read your interesting article.
I like i miss u mean i love u.
same here, i miss my family while i am out of home …so on..
Thanks for sharing
“When you miss somebody, you gotta love yourself first!” That just hit me like a ton of bricks. So powerful and strong – thanks Jodi!!
This is the way i understand it. Missing someone can be a selfish experience or it can be a loving experience. If missing someone comes from a place of freedom, where we just desire the good of the person and remember their good qualities, we will experience joy. If missing someone comes from a place of selfish attachment, or a using someone just to feel good, this will make us feel weak and miserable. It is the same with connections, they can be guided by love or they can be based guided by selfishness. 🙂
I love that way of thinking. I think of it as missing as a victim or not as a victim. It can be described as missing thorugh love or fear. Big difference. Sometimes missing is love, but then a perosna judges themselves for being needy and then it becomes more about need and fear. If people recognized and allowed their missing as love not need, then it would be able to stay love and not trun to the selfish kind like you describe.
Hi Jodie, I guess the hardest part is missing someone and you can’t do anything about it. Yes, we can change our mindset if we miss someone special to us, on the other hand, missing someone that hurt us is a different thing. Thanks for sharing a very informative post. Great read.
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Thanks, Sherill,
Being out of control is always what bugs us the most about anything. It feels scary. Missing someone who hurt us is an extra complication. Because we beat ourselves up, but you can miss the good parts, miss what you wanted in the relationship. It makes sense. Self-compassion helps so much with this. xo
I still miss him. I am ashamed to say it or let anyone know, but I do miss him. Sometimes I wish I know how to hate or just at least stop loving.
You know you can’t be together. Stay with that.
Jodi thank you so much for this video!
I am experiencing a terrible grief from a lost relationship. But you have reminded me of some very important truths about the preciousness that has been deposited in both our lives. This does live! And it is love in the miss!
Though the pain is very deep, it is a well of love.
Cristi, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. A broken heart is the worst. I’m sending you lots of hugs, because they help!
Hi Jodi,
I am new to your site via psych central. This is the first article I clicked on from your home page because there are a few people I am missing – including my ex. I was the one who broke up because I could no longer live with the lies over little and big things. I am largely past that awful acute stage that happens in the beginning but every now and then I second guess myself and think maybe I should have kept trying because what if I am alone the rest of my life? Who wants to age alone in this world?
I got a rather late start due to years of sexual abuse during my childhood and teen years and so trust has been hard to come by though it IS a lot better than it was.
The major struggle for me lately is anxiety and depression. I have not been able to work in some time due to that and a ptsd diagnosis. I worked full time for quite some time –15 years at my retail job and simultaneously worked a second job in mental health for about 5 years. Life is so different now…
Sometimes, I miss me and what could have been…
thank you, Jodi, for sharing this great post really it’s very hard to forget same one but they are lots of ways to get them back you just need be positive and calm 🙂
Aakash Dubey recently posted..80+ Love Relationship Quotes For Her To Ignite Your True Love Again
I needed this today as since morning I find myself repeating over and over again I miss you. I miss you, I miss you. Is it true that as long as you cry or suffer over the death of someone you don’t let them rest and you make them suffer? I won’t write letters anymore. Sorry for the last one. I am truly focussing on the love we shared. It just doesn’t feel enough for now
“Is it true that as long as you cry or suffer over the death of someone you don’t let them rest and you make them suffer?”
No, it is not true. Pat feels compassion (because that is in love) but not suffering (that is in fear).