This saves lives. Believe me. Especially yours. Do this:
Love people up instead of worrying down.
We are human. And we love people. When we see people suffering, it triggers our mirror neurons to feel that suffering, too.
There is something to be said about solidarity. Standing with others in their pain helps them not feel so alone.
However, after a bit it might not be as helpful. To them, or to you.
Worrying about people can stress us out, give us panic attacks, make us lose sleep, and invite our own depression and despair.
Implicit in your worry is love and caring. This is beautiful.
What if we stayed with that love and caring but got rid of the worry?
This is the thing.
If that worry actually helped the other person feel better then maybe it would be worth it.
But it doesn’t.
This is what happens to the people going through a hard time: At first they feel people’s worry and feel validated and visible. Then, their own mirror neurons register this and their despair increases.
They think, “Oh there is really something to worry about. Nobody else has much hope for me. I must be fooling myself to think I can get through this.” Or even, “I’m right to feel this bad.” This can all be very subtle and on the energetic level. But if nobody has faith in them, this could make them feel invisible again.
People can get stuck in this hopelessness and doubt. They can become a victim of it. And that is the last thing we want for them.
On the other hand, if we love them up to us, this means that we believe in them. We see the skills and knowledges that they have to get through it. We are seeing them despite their pain.
It’s the “I see you.” from the movie Avatar. I see the real you.
This can save their lives. Literally.
We can acknowledge their skills allowed. Because we hold this confidence in them, their mirror neurons can register that confidence and they have more connection and access to those skills. They will step into them more fully and this will infuse strength in them to get through their hard time.
And they will feel good about themselves in the process.
This is a win-win situation like no other. You feel great, too. Not only that you actually helped them, but because it is inspiring to have faith in people. When you have faith in people to get through their hard time, you have faith in anyone getting through hard times. You can see the world differently.
This is how I stay so positive while hearing horrible stories of people’s suffering sometimes ten hours a day. I hear their skills and I am inspired by them. I reflect this light back to them. And that’s why people usually feel better when they leave my office then when they got there.
I love people up to me instead of worrying down to them.
I don’t neglect the negative. I hold it, too. I listen and allow it fully. That is important. But I don’t take it into my being. Maybe I would if it would help them, but I know that it doesn’t.
Did you ever try to love someone up to you instead of worrying down to them?
so true Jodi. I must trust myself with my own happiness, and trust others with theirs.
Louise Gallagher recently posted..In Liberty’s Gaze – Happy July 4th Neighbours!
Exactly!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
Just what I needed to hear today, Jodi. I have a friend who is going through a very difficult time. This advice will help me and her!
So glad to see you here, Michalene! I’m glad to have helped. Usually, we know someone to worry about so it is often relevent. I’m glad your friend has you. You have been through the fire yourself, and can walk the walk with her. Hugs!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
Fantastic Jodi!! Your words are so clear and simple. What a great way to think. Thank you. Im sharing this.
Thanks, Kim, I am truly honored! <3 See you next week!
Jodi Aman recently posted..The best breathing technique for a panic attack
What a great point, Jodi. I never thought of it this way, but you are so right.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Monday Mishmash 7/7/14
Thanks, Kelly, I am sure you intuitively do it!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three things that lift you out of self-judgment
Hi Jodi! I love this idea and do indeed try to practice it with everything I do. I’ve always believed that the world and other people don’t really need my sympathy as much as they need me to remind me of the amazing truth of their being. And while now and then it’s good to be empathetic with others, never to the point when they bring you down to their level. That’s not what I want from others when I’m going through a tough time and I try to return the favor. Thanks for a great reminder! ~Kathy
That’s beautiful the way to say it, “remind them the truth of their being.” I endeavor to do that, too! It goes hand and hand with advice for me. People give me advice because they are scared for me and worried, and it doesn’t feel like they are really listening and seeing me.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
Hi Jodi,
I agree! If we love people and let them cope up with their pain and suffering with the amazing skills that we possess to deal with all kinds of situations minus the worry, we exhibit our real love and confidence in them. We can just stand by them, have trust and infuse the same into them, just by reminding that it is just a bad day, just a phase, which will soon pass away. You are right! Worry doesn’t do any good, we just have to keep repeating to ourselves.
Thanks for sharing lovely thoughts and an amazing video.
Balroop Singh recently posted..How Much Do You Expect From Life And People?
Thanks Balroop, You are so kin and thoughtful. Confidence in people is a great way to say you beleive in them. It’s so important to have people in our lives that believe in us.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
This is such an important concept. You listen to the person, validate them, and at the same time you are promoting that love towards them to help them make the situation better than staying stuck in the pain. Getting sucked into the pain does no one any good. When someone believes that you can be better, it makes a huge difference.
Have a great week Jodi!
HUGE difference! Thanks for your testimony, it is very validating!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
Great video! I had not thought of this in this way before, but it makes perfect sense. It’s too easy to fall into victim mode.
Yes, that’s just it! We can become a victim, too! Then, we are no help!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
Fabulous message, Jodi! I’ve tweeted it out. Also, I know how terrible it feels when people have no faith in you. They don’t ‘believe’ in you and so you begin to question your own thinking. Having faith and showing that is the best gift of all!
lisa thomson-The Great Escape… recently posted..Dear Lisa-Reader Question
Thank you for the tweet! Having faith in someone and walking with them on their journey is truly the best thing you can do for them.
Jodi Aman recently posted..When good intentions go wrong
That is a great thing to remember, and also, as you pointed out, also more helpful to the person who is listening/absorbing so that they don’t carry the worry. It allows one to extend themselves to others without burning themselves out. And it’s a simple, genuine approach. In addition to worrying down, we also don’t need to sound like a cheerleading squad.
Laura Zera recently posted..Female Solo Travel in the Digital Age: Just Flipping Go
Hehe. Thanks for sharing the part about not sounding like a cheerleading squad. It made me smile. It is so true. It is easily forgotten that you can swing too far in either direction. Too loving or not loving enough. Everything requires balance : D.
I like being a cheerleader. But that reminds me of my post, how to be optimistic but not annoying. I guess you can go too far.
I think going too far would be like saying “You’re fine.” and then not listening or paying any attention to the person who is struggling. I think this happens a lot. But this is less that you beleive in them, but you are too scared and upset to get over yourself and be a good friend.
Becausw I help so many people, I am not great on always following up. I think this is so important, and I love when people do it to me. I try but, I have dozens of people to follow up with and I get afraid if I do once, I might forget another time and this might upset someone more. Not a great excuse I am afraid.
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
I always try my best to listen and be there for the person going through a difficult time, and then work on building them up again. For some, it is definitely a delicate situation as a few people choose to “wallow” in the negativity.
That is really nice of you Don. I am sure those people appreciate it. It is a delicate situation when people “wallow” in their negativity. It is so difficult when someone is permanently negative. Sometimes you just have to cut them out or set some firm boundaries or else they can sap you of your energy. I find it difficult to find the balance of letting someone complain and being compassionate towards them without letting you become their emotional garbage can.
Validation. Being heard. Loving. Loving. Loving.
Fabulous stuff, Jodi! xxx
My Inner Chick recently posted..5 Reasons My Life Is Like “Orange Is The New Black”
Always those things. It’s just what we desire most. To be heard, understood and loved despite our imperfections. Thank you!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Are you too needy or too sensitive?
I never thought of it that way, but one thing’s for sure: you make a lot of sense, Jodi. I’m the Queen of Worriers, and deep down I’ve known for some time that worrying doesn’t do anyone any good. So I try not to, but it takes a conscious effort. Old habits die hard, I suppose. Sigh.
monicastangledweb recently posted..Chewing the Fat
Thanks for saying I make a lot of sense. Sometimes I am senseless and silly and that’s good, too. But for these videos, I am hoping to help people so I have to make sense sometimes. Just stop worrying. Just let it go!
Jodi Aman recently posted..How do I get off my anti-depressants?
This passage is the epitomy of what’s currently going on in my life…I have self sabotaged my relationship with manufactured worries, low confidence, and couldn’t even see that I was being “loved up” the whole time. I took normal everyday things, and analyzed them in my mind negatively, and wore a worried paranoid look on my face.
This resulted in such a massive amount of pressure, on my girlfriend that she has reached her wits end. Leaving us temporarily (I hope) separated… Which I have not been handling well, as I feel I’ve devestated her, myself, and the relationship.
Your site is opening my eyes to my issues, almost verbatim, and I thank you immensely for this forum you provide.
Thank you, Rich, I am so glad you are here. I think you might like my newest post, too. https://jodiaman.com/you-think-he-doesnt-love-you/
Hope it helps you see how to go forward. Just listen to her, don’t judge yourself, listen openly and she will feel it!
Let me know if you have more questions! I hope you get back together!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
You’re smarter than the average mama bear. Good and sound advice, as always.
totsymae1011 recently posted..The Dark Side of Artists
Thanks, Tots!
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
You taught me that, I practice it as much as I can, and it helps a lot. When you say that worrying about someone makes them feel worse, I think of a child wfo falls down and who only sarts crying when he sees his mother panicking, but who stays quiet if his mother is calm.
But this doesn;t always apply. It’s good when there is really nothing to worry about. Sometimes people refuse to see or admit there is a problem, and having someone worried works like a “wake up call” to get help.
Like you said, it is very important to “see” the pain too, because I don’t like people to worry about me, but I prefer them worried than blind.
Nikky44 recently posted..Ego versus Soul
Great example with the child falling down. I remember that and acting confident to help my kids through those incidents. Great connection!
Yes, I see also your point. If someone feels so unworthy that they ignore all the signs that they need help, a friend could come in and give them a nudge to get them what they need.
Yes, I know how important it is to feel understood. Worried does feel good for that bit. Someone gets it. It’s so precious that I didn’t want it to go unmentioned. x
Jodi Aman recently posted..Three reasons you think he doesn’t love you
Thank you Jodi – your message is so important – and rare!
I recall, many years ago, whenever I would go through something really difficult I wouldn’t talk with anyone about it, because I didn’t want anyone to worry, or to try to fix me. I felt it would only make things worse for me. All I needed was their faith in my inner process, no matter how it looked. My present friends do just that – they love me up and I never feel they worry about me.
The key to it all seems to be whether you can relate to other people from a place of love and freedom rather than emotional dependency…
Ooooh, did you train your friends to do this, or did you just begin to hang with really evolved people?
Jodi Aman recently posted..This one thing can make or break your relationships
This is beautiful advice!! It’s so simple and crazy how no one realizes that with a simple positive change, it can alter everything around you!
“I see you.” I see the real you. Sometimes I try to understand what makes it so important to feel someone sees you, loves you or just thinks of you, when you already know they do? Why do we need witnesses to the pain when we know there is nothing to do about it? Sharing something good has a purpose. It makes another person happy too, but what is the purpose of sharing pain since the intention is certainly not to cause pain? I feel this need to share, , and I know it is helping me when I do, but in order to stop judging myself or feeling needy when I do, I want to understand it.
Nikky44 recently posted..I challenged the Fear
We are social beings. Our minds are horrible to ourselves when we are in isolation. When we share, it counters that violent isolated mind. We intuitively know we need to break that isolation, this is why we desire for someone to see us. (It’s not because we are weak, but because we are smart.)
Like the Marc Levy quote you have on Skype. That’s all.
Thank you Jodi. It makes sense. For some reason, sharing always remove my guilt feeling. I’m not sure why, but I always feel less guilty. I feel a huge guilt when I hold a secret whatever it is, however silly it might be. If at least one other person knows, I feel better. I even leave notes about stupid things “just in case”. Maybe it’s a habit. For so many years, we lived each moment as if it was the last one.
Nikky44 recently posted..I challenged the Fear