Do you feel like no one understands what you are going through?
There are all these quotations on Facebook that tell us that we just have to “let go” of our feelings and we’ll “feel better.” But when our feelings are so intense and we would give anything to get rid of them, it is hard to figure out how these quotations apply to us. How could they? I mean, we have “real” reasons to feel as horrible as we do. We have evidence for the loneliness, the despair, the grief. Real. Hard Evidence.
It seems like no one understands me.
In some ways, “letting go” of these feels like we’d be letting go of our worth, because letting go seems synonymous with being OK such-and-such happened to us. And it is not in the least bit OK.
Everyone is saying it is a choice. We are not choosing to feel this way…why would anyone choose to feel this way? It is awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
“They must not understand. No one understands me. Heck, I don’t even understand.”
It feels like an insult to have anyone tell us to “let it go” or “not take it personally.” It seems like a double whammy. First, we are hurt and then we are judged for hurting.
Of course we go right to holding ourselves accountable. Maybe, it’s me, maybe I can’t quite explain it right.
More evidence that we are alone and it is our fault. Yet, compelled from somewhere, we jump to our own defense, No I didn’t deserve this.
But self doubt slyly whispers in our ear telling us we are wrong and the self flagellation begins in earnest.
We think, Everyone gets how to heal but me. Just like everything else good in the world, healing is inaccessible to me. And deeper we go into our pain.
There might be people that care about us, but we make excuses why we can not reach out to them, they have their own troubles, it would be a burden, my problems aren’t as bad as other people’s. I am different, we think.
What to do when no one understands me
This story has played out over and over in my life and it is a typical tale of so many people that I talk to. So what do we do about it?
It is so much easier if I am not the one stuck in the story to see the situation from the big picture–to see all the pieces and how everyone is playing them out. However, when we are saturated by a problem story, we see only things that go along with that story. So when we feel so strongly that no one understands, or I have no one, the events that go with this theme have a neon sign on them (If they have to get skewed and twisted to fit, our inner self critic is happy to oblige us.) Even if they are from 10, 20, or 30 years ago.
You need to come outside of your story about no one understanding. Inside it is too painful and chaotic. If we could somehow see the situation from a distance, with new unbiased eyes, would we see something different. For example why the other person did what they did, or what the person who says, “Just choose,” has been through. Maybe the problem-story has us unable to understand. But I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. I mean that in a hopeful way. Maybe there is another way to see it. And wouldn’t that be great?
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Healing and Judging
When I say you can see the situation different, you can go to judgment, “I can’t do it.” Or to relief, “Yes! There might be an answer for me!”
There is a balance between allowing yourself to feel what you feel and then coming out of it. The difference is not judging. If you allow yourself to feel grief and love yourself through it without judgment, without worry, and without blame, and then you can take the feeling to the end. And then come out of it. It is when you get caught in the worry and judgment and blame that the suffering becomes unbearable. The judgment gets you stuck in the story.
The answer: don’t judge. Especially stop judging yourself. This is the one thing that will very quickly take you onto the path of healing. Stop judging. Please.
You can tell me anything bad (according to you) about yourself, yet it wouldn’t change what I think and see. I will still notice your skills, what you give value to, who you are. And I will invite you to see it too. xo
Did you ever feel like no one understands?
Great post Jodi. There was a time in my healing when I avoided Facebook for awhile for precisely this reason. I couldn’t take any more pithy quotes telling me to “just let go” as if I could. Or that forgiveness would bring me peace.
I think that generally speaking people don’t understand. But it’s not because they don’t want to, just because they have not had the same experiences. That’s why I write my blog, and share many of your blog posts with my friends on Twitter and Facebook…to help them understand.
I also go to therapy, and I try to accept my therapist’s suggestions to see things a new way. 🙂 More and more, I am feeling understood at last.
Thanks so much for your frankness and willing to share your thoughts. I think this makes others feel not so alone in the world. Maybe people don’t understand because they filter everything through what they already know. People live a confirmed life. They see what they understand already. It takes someone who can say “Tell me.” without assuming what you are talking about. That would feel good!
Great post, Jodi. I think time also heals and mellows those painful feelings we seem to have no control over. But you say it best, refrain from judging ourselves during this process. Also, when I’m in the middle of an overwhelming emotional situation I try to lay out the ‘facts’ of the situation and remove the emotion.
lisa thomson recently posted..Divorce Self Care-5 Tips)
Great skill, Lisa, a great way to get some distance and see from a new perspective!
Loved the post, Jodi. Brought me to tears.
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Jodi I often think people don’t understand me and it’s normally when I am talking rubbish.
For people to understand me I think first I have to understand myself.
No point in bottling things up they only get worse.
Great point, Robert! I hope you keep letting it out rubbish or not! I feels good!
A lot of the time Jodi, especially in the past. I am okay with it now because I feel that most people have had this feeling at one time or the other. I think it is wise to stop judging ourselves and embrace the way we feel and then do something about it.
This post came at a good time for me. I am debating what to do for Memorial Day and I feel somewhat lonely because I live so far away from all of my friends, but I decided to reach out to people and make something happen instead of moping around. Thanks for the article.
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Sebastian,
I hope you had a great day with some new folks! Meeting new people always brings new experiences, good or bad, they are opportunities to learn!
Hi Jodi,
There is my one friend ! now a day he is really very disappointed in his life just because of his career & family. Your story & his story both are little similar to each other. I must say No One Understands to my friend in his famil 🙁
I’ll say a prayer for him! <3
jodi, you are expert at saying what we all think at one time or another. might sound silly but i doodle. i draw when i’m bored. i also draw when i’m stressed, and i see it as channeling the troubling thoughts and experiences to paper. it helps me let go but that doesn’t mean the hurt gets erased i guess. still, there is some relief.
something else. i went to a wonderful songwriter jam this weekend. it was quiet one. and I talked to songwriter Stephen Murphy who told me that he began writing as a way to process things that did not make sense to him … to organize his thoughts and his emotions. seems to make good sense too. just wanted to share.
Writing is a great way to make sense of things, it helps you be an audience member to the situation. Which allows you to step back and see the situation from afar.
Have definitely felt that way sometimes! I think it is natural to have an altered sense of who truly understands when we are struggling though. We can never truly know how much another person understands what is going on! I find comfort in that my circle of support knows that even if they can’t understand, they can still help, and comfort 🙂
Lisa Mercer recently posted..My Story
Very sweet. You have good people around you! xo
Hi Jodi. Withholding judgment makes sense when it comes to just about any aspect of our lives (except maybe when we’re sitting in a jury). How wonderful to allow ourselves the freedom to release our most inner feelings without the fear of later self reprisal. If we can find it in our hearts to see the best in ourselves and to remember and recognize who we truly are, then we can also help lift others to that state. What a gift that would be.
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In fact, I am thinking that would change the world! xoJ
This touched my heart, Jodi. I have been working on “letting go,” and I’ve been full of judgment about it–not wanting to let go of things because I’m still blaming others and blaming myself. It’s hard for me to know when I’ve analyzed a situation enough, when I’ve sat with it enough to let it go. Does that make sense?
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Sometimes we need to analyze a situation because too much fear is present and we have to talk ourselves out of it. Once we do that, we can suspend the story of blame, and go to mindfulness. For example, feel the feeling without the story.This is how you go through it to the end!
Jodi, our culture puts such an emphasis on getting over things, letting go and moving on. Kind of in the same way that when we get sick, there’s a feeling that you need to have a speedy recovery so you can get back to work. Some even continue working through their colds or when they have the flu. We place to much importance on our work ethic, that we don’t allow for time to fall apart or just accept being ill. So thank you for writing this, and for saying it’s okay to feel the way we do. Good post once again. Sulking has its merits!
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Thanks for hearing my message as I intended in. It is so validating! xo
All of my life, I believed that no one understands me. I still do, but not in a bad way. I mean that it’s all in my hands. People can’t understand what I don’t reveal, what I keep inside. How would they when they only know a glimpse of what there is. People can understand a situation, a reaction, a feeling, but not “me”.
As painful a it seems to be, not being understood is not always a bad thing. The positive things, the love can be felt and don’t need understanding. The problems and negative feelings are the ones that are misunderstood, because they can’t be felt in the heart like love.
Even people who went through exactly the same of us in life, can’t understand, because there are so many factors that are involved. What is needed is not really understanding, it is more acceptance, validation and love. I don’t really need to be understood, but believed.The biggest “lie” i might say is that I don’t understand myself because now I do. I can link things to each other and I know how and why everything happened or was felt the way it did. The problem now is how to step out of it, how to change?
so true it’s one thing to come to awareness and understanding which is crucial, but ya then it becomes what are you going to do with what you know? You have to release all that emotional junk from your body and psyche. I am just now learning how to live and let go.
I liked reading this because I was thinking of the emphasis we often put on Understanding. as if it is validating. And non validating means misunderstanding but it doesn’t, ya know. People can understand but disagree and we think they must not understand then. It is a tactic to isolate ourself but also defend ourself. In a way validating ourselves, but it is an ego way. This comment suggests you are stepping away from this ego way.
You have nothing to change, that’s just it. You are perfect. Just take up your brain space doing something else. xo
I Love you <3
OOh this is quite spooky Jodi as I just wrote a blog post about ‘letting go’ and not taking everything so personally!! It reads a little similar to yours as well.
I must have picked up on some serendipitous thought waves 🙂
Great minds think alike! 🙂
I know that so many people can understand me, but I can’t help feeling this way sometimes. In fact, I stopped some time ago caring about whether others understand me or not, but it feels so bad when someone very special in your life doesn’t understand. It helps to read this: You can tell me anything bad (according to you) about yourself, yet it wouldn’t change what I think and see. I will still notice your skills, what you give value to, who you are.