Is “being left out” your worst fear? It has definitely kept me up at night more times than I can count. It does not feel good to be left out, lonely, isolated, rejected, abandoned or excluded. This is partly because your soul craves belonging.
The other part of why belonging is so important to you is that your mind and body crave it, too.
Why is this your worst fear?
Science tells us that humans have three basic fears behind every other fear and problem that we have. Today we are taking a deep dive into WHY these are your worst fear so we can take the mystery out of them. Because: Feeling better is important to you.
Mystery = Anxiety & Negative Self-Judgment.
Understanding = Trust & Power.
The three basic fears are rejection, abandonment and being trapped. The fear of being trapped is obvious. It signifies any time we feel out of control: like anytime we feel trapped in an emotion, or situation that we have no control (or think we have no control) over exiting.
We, humans, hate to feel trapped, and we spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent feeling this way, even when it is just a perception of being trapped.
But why is rejection your worst fear? And, why is abandonment so major? In a way, it is obvious: Both rejection and abandonment are heartbreaking, and directly and significantly affect your sense of worth. However, even though this is obvious, people still are surprised and bewildered about feeling heartbroken when they are rejected and or abandoned. They worry about their reaction (fearing that it will lead to more rejection and abandonment) and so judge it very harshly.
This judgment and worry feeds the mystery and then, feeling out of control and all the negative emotions that come with it snowball, especially if you are a skilled overthinker. It is all very distracting and keeps a person stuck instead of healing from the original event.
Time To Forgive Yourself
Just so we are clear: Heartbreak is an appropriate human response to rejection and abandonment. It is understandable and so, no mystery.
This blog and video are my love letters to people who want to understand the WHYS and HOWS of their worst fear so that they can eliminate the bewilderment that keeps them stuck and finally be able to focus on healing. Watch the video and enjoy it!
Why your soul craves belonging
The jobs of our brain
Our worst fear is “being left out.” As I mention in this video, our brains have two jobs.
- To survive and thrive.
- To conserve calories.
(In the video, I mention this blog where I go deeper into this: #1 Reason Why Kids Complain – How resistance breeds anxiety.
To survive we have to be part of the group. And, to thrive we have to matter to the group. That’s it. Our emotions seem complicated, but they can be really simple, too.
This is the bottom line. You are not crazy. You are not unworthy, or different or weird. I do not believe that you are overreacting or making things up. Rejection and abandonment are biologically created to trigger your attention so you can decide what to do.
But because in today’s day and age, we are usually physically safe in these situations, we don’t know what to do and so get really lost in the why. Stop the why spiral, and get to healing.
You know I have tons of resources for healing on this website! Keep reading, keep watching and let me know if you want to go deeper with me!
Thank you for sharing this information. It was very helpful. The most fear for my is lonely and isolated. I do not love that feeling. So I always want friends.
Here you have discussed a topic that most of us could relate to. I went through this rejection or abandonment during my younger days when I tried to fit into various groups and wanted to matter in them. Now I have come to realize that instead of me fitting in, I should ensure that others are comfortable around me and none of them are feeling left out. Changing focus always helps.