Are you finding it hard to heal? This is the big question. Sometimes trying to feel better is like swimming against a very strong current that wants to drag you the other way.
Why is it so hard to heal?
The negative voices in our heads can be pervasive and leave us feeling defeated and confused. Then we are depleted of the energy needed to move out of the emotional turmoil that those unrelenting voices have caused. Like a vicious cycle, especially when we have been abused in our lives, those voice continue to abuse us and push us even farther into despair. Again, here’s a powerful example of the havoc that voice can do from Abuse? Surviving and Thriving!
Strong feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, despair, self-blame, feeling unloved and un-lovable. For me I see it everywhere. Almost everything reinforces these feelings. If I don’t understand something it means I really am stupid. When someone doesn’t look at me while passing on the sidewalk it means I’m not loved and not lovable. If I make a mistake it means I’m incompetent. If I work on self-love it means I’m selfish. When I do something well I almost always think it was just dumb luck. If someone gives me a compliment I think I’ve really fooled them. And the list goes on. It is so hard to get out from under the weight of these self judgments!
We want to feel better, so why don’t we?
When we hear it’s a mere “choice” to feel better, we want to choose it. So we choose it, and then when we don’t feel better, we feel even worse than before because it should’ve been as simple as making the “choice”. If that works for everyone else, why didn’t it work for us? In our minds this proves we are “different,” like we’ve always suspected. We can’t help but believe that for some reason healing isn’t accessible to us. It confirms everything that that negative voice is saying, is true. The negative conclusions about ourselves are “confirmed.” What’s the use of trying? We think. And then all but give up. Wait! Don’t give up. Intention is part of it. But it’s not all of it. I’ll explain. But first, let me expose the four main barriers to healing your emotional turmoil.
The Four Reasons that it is Hard to Heal
1. You worry that healing might feel worse than before.
This feels out of control, and if there is one thing that has protected you in the past, it is holding onto control with every fabric of your being. Your ego does not want you to change. It will do everything to keep you as you are, especially tell you that healing might be worse.
Break through: How can it be worse? When you think about it you know this is ridiculous. Healing is by definition better. Trust. Joy is better.
2. You wonder if you deserve it.
You are not totally sure you did not deserve the awfulness that has happened to you. This is also why it is so hard to heal. So many people have told you that it is your fault. It’s hard to know what the truth is. Just like, you think that if it is your fault, you don’t deserve to get better so you must figure it out first. I’ll help you:
It is not your fault, it is not your fault, it is not your fault!
Forgive yourself for any of your responsibility or supposed responsibility. Read The Map to find out how.
Break through: You are light. You absolutely deserve it.
3. If you heal the other person gets away with what they did.
No, never. It is never OK what they did. The best way to get out of under the power of an abuser is to heal yourself. Staying in suffering is not a way to hold the abuser accountable. You are just holding yourself down. Nikky asked on Becoming Free The ultimate Healing Is Yours.
“People are not mean to us because they don’t like us, but because they don’t like themselves.” You say this in many posts, and I agree, but it always brings another question to my mind. I don’t like myself, but I don’t consider this gives me a “permission” to be mean to others? It’s not an excuse?
I answered:
I often say, “People aren’t mean to you because they don’t like you, they are mean to you because they don’t like themselves.” This is for you, the receiver. This never means it is OK that they are mean. Of course, it is never OK to be mean. I say this for you, so that you don’t take what they say as part of your identity. They have to deal with their meanness on their own, and they WILL be held accountable by a Higher Power. You do not have to stay suffering to make them accountable. Nor do you have to teach them a lesson. Your job is to not let it reflect on you and how you see yourself.
No they don’t
Knowing that people who hurt you have also been hurt in their lives, is not just so you have compassion for them and forgive them. Being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others. But understanding that what they do comes out of their own misery helps us realize it is not our fault. It frees us from responsibility, self-blame, and the victim mentality that comes after being hurt. Nikky says she does not like herself. Once she realizes that she is not responsible for how other people have hurt her, she’ll begin to like herself.
Break through: The Universe invites people to make up for what they did. You don’t have to continue to suffer any longer. I believe that energetically when you heal, it frees them to begin their restoration for the world. They have work to do. Again, you don’t have to do anything.
4. You wonder if it is possible.
You have read so many stories of people feeling better after being broken, but you have stayed stuck deep in despair and pain. Maybe it is hard to heal because it is not possible for you. Equally, the hurdles seem too big and you’ve tried forever. And now you are exhausted, and defeated.
Break through: It is totally possible. I have witnessed it hundreds of times. I’ve walked it myself.
Break through!
Listen,
Love is here for you. Read my interview about #love on Facets of Joy.
Healing is here for you.
It is time to let go. Here is how to let go. Now it is time to practice, practice, practice.
I’ve prayed for 20 years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs. ~Frederick Douglass
It takes work. It is hard to heal because that current runs deep. But eventually the healed part of you will push the flow in the opposite direction.
Please add a comment! Let me know how far are you willing to go to feel better?
Thank you Jodi for this post.
I loved the post of Abuse? Surviving and thriving. I might be having very similar feelings, but with a difference that I “stopped looking for evidences” that proves what I believe about myself. That happened a lot in the past, but now I don’t need evidençe anymore. I know I have limits. I know i will never be the person I wanted to be. I will never be different from what I am, and that is a fact I have learned to accept. It goes from the simplest things like I will never be thin or pretty or elegant to other more important things like I will never be the good wife or mother or worker or friend. And it’s ok. I stopped trying to understand why and I stopped trying to change. That is “me” whether I like it or not.
I believe that healing is possible when i will totally accept all the sides of me that I hate, all my weaknesses, my failures as well as the good things. That is healing and for me, it has nothing to do with others, with abusers. Its only about me and my perceptions. It is important for me to know that that being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others but I don’t really care if the abuser will be punished or not. In fact, I dont want him to be punished but just to understand that what he did was wrong.
Consequences (I like this better than punishment) is so that we understand our actions. It invites us to responsibility.
But doesn’t it sometimes cause him more frustration? And this frustration would make him more abusive?
You are NOT responsible for his frustration. He has blamed you for this in the past. But it is HIS problem, not yours. Frustration is what will invite him to look at himself. It is the only way. You can’t prevent him from the pain that will lead him to healing himself. What good would that be?
It hurts too much.
Does it hurt to feel the pain?
Yes
So try something else. 🙂
I have Jodi. Everything. I’ve even tried punishing myself. That’s the only thing that makes me feel better. At least for a little while.
The mentality that thinks of punishing yourself might not be allowing yourself to heal, you need another mentality.:)
Can you pass me your magic hat? The one you have with all the light in it. (tears)
Maybe you don’t know. You have your own hat! It’s yours because you deserve it!
Great post, Jodi! At first glance, it would seem that we would all grab for healing and go for it full steam ahead. But, as you say, there are sometimes barriers to that healing or even WANTING healing. Lots to think about there. Thanks!
Tina Fariss Barbour recently posted..A Truly Random “Random 5 Friday”
I was desperate to feel better and even I got in my way! It’s just so easy. Our ego tells us it’s protecting us and it sounds convincing!
Hi Jodi, I especially loved the quote. I’ve prayed for 20 years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs. ~Frederick Douglass Thanks for sharing.
I remember it anytime I begin to feel sorry for myself!
Hi Jodi,
What an excellent way of inspiring to heal!
I think first of all we have to be receptive to healing. Some people just don’t want to heal themselves… or they refuse to come out of the trauma by living it again and again, repeating to themselves that they have been victimised…what had they done to deserve it…why did it happen to them…many more such thoughts keep pulling them backwards into the same corridors of abuse, raising their levels of blood. Self loathing and self compassion are the two emotions which have to be dumped for walking away from hurts.
We have to accept that certain people take pleasure in hurting…they will continue to do so, in their arrogance, they never realise that they have done something wrong. I have seen such people! We have to think about just our healing, which is only possible if we know that our freedom from all the negative thoughts and the trauma associated with abuse and agony is the only way out.
Balroop Singh recently posted..Emotional Health: Is Loneliness a Dilemma?
This happens, but not on purpose. People want to feel better so bad! I hope this is an answer for them!
This rings so true for me, Jodi and it was your very words that helped me through a recent incident: “People aren’t mean to you because they don’t like you, they are mean to you because they don’t like themselves.”
This guy I hadn’t spoken to since high school wrote me the meanest, most vile message, which shook me to the core when I first read it and made me want to retreat, stop blogging, and hide. But then I thought about it, and wondered, what pain must he have been carrying all these years? I do not know, but any resentment or anger he has toward me is on him, not me. These are his problems, not mine. And though it’s no excuse for his meanness, it’s clear he doesn’t like himself. I’m still me, happy and upbeat, and now I just feel sorry for him. Btw, I never replied or gave his message the time of day. I’ve moved on. Clearly, he never did.
monicastangledweb recently posted..My Cousin Adele
Oh my did it have to do with your high school series? I had wondered about that! Holy cow, what people hold onto! So sad!
I think feeling the other person gets away with it is something a lot of people worry about. That and that we don’t deserve to heal. Great post as always, Jodi.
I love the new blog look too!
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Writer Wednesday: Writing in Small Spurts
Thanks, Kelly!
This is such an important message Jodi! Self blame is a hard habit to break but may be the first step to healing. I still question whether things that go wrong are my fault. It’s a pattern that started at home and then into my marriage so it’s very well entrenched.
It is so entrenched, that is why it all takes so long to feel better! I work hard with my clients (and myself) at pulling doubt out by the roots!
I have been in the place where being afraid to heal is overpowering. It’s the unknown and the known is what we have been told and now tell ourselves about who we are. We are so entrenched in the negative feelings that have been a part of our identity all our lives that as painful as they are it is comfortable. By that I mean we are used to being in pain. Therefore what if healing is worse than it is now. At least now you know what to expect. But as you stated, “How can it be worse? When you think about it you know this is ridiculous. Healing is by definition better. Trust. Joy is better.” And it is!
It helps me Stanley to read what you’re saying here. I get very frustrated when someone tells me you’re afraid to heal because it’s the unknown because healing is all I want so how could I be afraid of it?
Hearing it from you is easier because you experienced it and accepted it to be possible, so I can maybe accept it too. I do have a big fear of healing but that is not related to the “unknown” but to finding myself alone. What I’m scared of is to change and by changing, to lose the ones I love. I’m afraid of abandonment once I heal because I would be different from what I was and they won’t like the new me.
Stan feels the same way, worried to be alone. But isn’t that the unknown too. You often debate words, and I think you are trying to understand yourself, and that is wonderful. And trying to make sure I understand and THAT is wonderful. But in some way, I worry that it isolates you. It goes with the story that you are different that is so pervasive. (Just a bit)
You have a way of helping people understand. Keep writing, because then you have the distance to hear it yourself!
Thank you for continuing to encourage us all to heal. It gives me hope that we’ll one day all find ourselves on the path to love and peace around the world.
Laura Zera recently posted..Travel: My Cup of Wild Civet Coffee
You bring it!
Those negative voices can be strong often times because someone has told us something bad about ourselves. It’s a struggle. Sometimes folk slip back, even when they feel over it.
totsymae1011 recently posted..It’s the Best of Times, It’s the Worst of Times
Oh I know, I alwasy slip back. the trick- which is hard- is not to judge these slips, then they do not grow bigger!
Thank you for this post Jodi. I will go and read the other ones. I want to heal, but many times when I feel close to feeling better, something comes back, guilt most of the time and shame about what I accepted.
I don’t seem to be able to blame my abuser. I feel once again like the crazy one. I even find myself questionning what happened.
And then I come back to practice self-love and self-respect. And it’s terrtibly hard.
Marie recently posted..It’s time
“I don’t seem to be able to blame my abuser” That is the HARDER part. I’m reading a book that is helping me now believe that abuse is a choice they make. It is helping.
Nikky, thanks. Could you share the title of this book?
Take care.
Marie recently posted..Good wife
it’s called Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Marie, This is all too common, since the message has been that it is your fault for so long. Or that it does not make sense. But it not your fault. And while you can understand why he did what he did, it doesn’t excuse it. It is not OK. I hope you like the book.
Hi Aman,
I heal myself moving form other place. But at times it takes much more time to heal.
Thanks for your post, it’s quit inspiring. Pinned it!
It is number 4 for me. I am exhausted and did evoerythung i could
You’ve done more than anyone I know. You are an amazingly motivated, brave, intelligent person, working against a really fast stream in the opposite direction. We may have to get you out of that stream. Also, I have one other idea I’d like to explore this weekend. x See you in two days!