I hear a lot of domestic violence stories and the injustice always outrages me. This time was no different.
Every story of domestic violence breaks my heart.
Defeated, exhausted and devastated, N, who left her dangerously abusive husband three years ago, wrote me a few weeks ago and said,
“Dad wants me and X back together. He wants us a family. He even said he had a dream about X giving him a hug so he cried of joy and emotion. Dad said, ‘You taught him a lesson and now it’s enough. He is not that bad. He just made a mistake.’”
I read it and I couldn’t sleep. Feeling invisible is one of the worse feelings in the world. I was so angry at how my friend was dismissed!
It’s NOT fair!
Her worth, her potential, her intelligence, her health… rendered insignificant by someone who supposed to be the person who has her back. The isolation this imposed is poison to her already worn out psyche.
This was not OK. I can’t let her fade away because the world would lose an incredible human being.
Not on my watch. Domestic abuse survivors need community support. Their trauma and anxiety that they won’t be believed it palpable. This is a powerful and loving community here, who every day share kind words with me. I know you, dear readers, have the potential to lift her up with that thoughtfulness, exponentially more than I can do as one person.
I just had to share her story.
When you know, when you watch/read it, I’m sure you will be driven to give her some words of comfort and acknowledgment. You and I together can give her VISIBILITY! We can give her the emotional support that will make such a huge difference in her life.
Please watch the video, read her plea to her dad, and then, share some supportive words with N. We can never know a person’s story by looking at them. Most people smile through the pain, and then don’t get acknowledgment for their awesome feats of survival. This is a true story. The woman, N, is played here by my friend, Andrea Zona to protect her identity. Can you give a few words to her today? Especially if you are a father of a little girl. What might you tell her?
Domestic Violence Survivors: “Please accept me as I am.”
To share on Facebook: Cut and paste this link, or follow the link and click “Share.”
https://www.facebook.com/JodiAmanLove/videos/1679022505703215/
Find it over at http://myinnerchick.com, too! (I love you , Kim!)
Dear Dad,
Dad,
I know you see how hard I am struggling to support myself and my three children. I’m working full-time despite my crippling pain. I know you see I need help. I do need help, but why him?
How could you tell me that it is your “wish” and your “dream” that I go back to the abuser?
How could you belittle the hundreds of punches, kicks, pulled hair, back-hands, and being bashed over the head as “a mistake.” How can you think two decades of daily physical, mental and sexual violence is “not that bad?”What about the, “You’re stupids,” “You’re fats,” “You’re so ugly, nobody else will ever love yous,” “You f-ed up, agains,” and the, “It’s all your faults,?” What about the, “You are a dirty whores?”
Worse, how could you think it was simply “an error” that he made things up that I did wrong, and then, put me in the hospital after punishing me for them in front of my children.
How can you say that he “learned his lesson”
when he has not stopped harassing me, you, my sisters, my friends or my children for one day since I left him three years ago.
And when I was with him, how could you not come over and stop him? How could you have let me stay there so long in the first place? You saw the injuries. You saw what he did. How could you have turned a blind eye? How could you be the evidence that gave truth to his, “You are nothings,” “You are unlovables,” and his “nobody cares.”You say you love me, and I know you believe and feel that you do. You think that you are asking me to go back in my best interest, but how could you not see that your actions tell me the opposite? I’m so confused.
You are scared for me to be alone. Your heart breaks to see me struggle. But, I need you to be amazed by how good I am doing despite my challenges.
I need you to tell me that I am brave and strong. Please hold me and tell me that it will be OK, that you are here if I want to talk and let it all out.
I need to let it all out.
I need you to believe me and accept me as I am.
Say how proud you are that I left and that I must never go back.
You may not even know this, but you are also scared of him. Just like I was. But I would have never turned him onto my children to get respite for myself. I would rather die by his hand than see him hurt one of my children. In fact, this is the only reason I am alive.How could a parent advocate for me to go get more abuse? Allow him to kill me? Because he would eventually.
How could you sacrifice me to satisfy your anxiety? How can you continue to defend him and allow him to use you as one of his tools to get to me?
Dad, you wanting me “to go back” makes me feel absolutely invisible. I wish I could fade away.I’m too tired to even tell you. I’m in so much pain, I can barely stand up. My cumulative abuse injuries have created pain I’d almost rather die than endure each day. But, I go on. For my kids. For you.
How could you act as if convincing me to go back would be your redemption?
I want to please you. I want to say yes for you, but really wish you could say no for me.
Daddy, I need you.
How could you not accept me as I am?
What do you feel about domestic violence? Have you experienced it? What would you say if it was your daughter, sister, mother, or friend?
Kindly add your own loving message to N…
Dear N,
You are so strong for saying NO and NEVER going back to that abusive man. Keep taking care of you and your children and you will survive and thrive. You deserve to NEVER be abused again!!
Know that you are more than enough!!… You deserve to be loved. If your father cannot see that then he, too, has great troubles.
This problem is not yours, but rather theirs.
With love, a big hug and great support for you today and for the rest of your wonderful life.
May You have peace, love, happiness and security always!!!
Love,
Val
I agree. When people are mean, it is their problem, not ours. These are wise words. Thanks so much for being so willing to speak, Val. xoxo
Dear beautiful and strong woman, thankyou for sharing . Your courage may help others live. Sometimes the pain and ego of others cannot stand in our light and they have to try to squelch it, to kill it. Know that our true Father loves us, more than our earthly father ever can. I love you and send you peace and healing beyond all understanding. Keep shinning your light, for you are beautiful, and thank-you for your strength; a strength far greater than any man`s. Love Lin
There’s no more to say. You’ve said it all. xoxo Thanks soooo much!
N. You are extremely strong and wonderful! You stood up for yourself and for your children. You certainly are a loving mother. That is very clear. It is terrific to know how much you care about yourself to first of all leave and then to share this message. Your strength of spirit will not only positively influence your children, but other women in your situation as well. You have become a very positive role model! Sending heartfelt good wishes to you!
Deborah, Thank you and welcome! Your wise words are so touching! Thanks so much for taking the time to help me help N.
What your father believes has nothing to do with anyone but him. Remember that when you are being true to your own heart and loving your own self, you are saying “YES” to yourself in the biggest and loudest way possible. It is only our own YES that matters, and you don’t need the approval or acceptance of anyone else. Let your own YES be stronger than a chorus of “no”, and keep by your side only those who will shout your “YES”, even when you can’t.
You’re already braver than many. Keep that courage and love for yourself. That’s where your liberation lies. Best of love and a warm hug to you.
L.F. You are so sweet. Thank you! xoxo
Dear Jodi and Nikky,
You. Are. Changing. The. World.
….with your stories, voices, pro-activity, encouragement, insight, and passion.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Love you.
Kim.
My Inner Chick recently posted..Why Would My Daddy Want Me To Go Back To My Abuser?
Thank you for your part to give her a larger voice!
Nikki, you are an amazing and beautiful woman.
If I were beside you, I would hug you, I would tell you how brave you are, how much love you have in you and around you, how much you matter, how you story can change many women lives.
Thank you Jodi for raising your voice, for your passion for others, for life.
Be both blessed.
Marie, She would LOVE that so much. I’m sure she read this and is imagine it just as you say. This is the best oresent you can give her. Also, you understand so completely. N speaks French, too! xo
Yea you-speaking up, clearly asking for what you need and want and having good boundaries!
Hope your dad realizes he can be the hero you need him to be.
Noel, Bless you! xo
Dearest “N’
YOU are the strength and guidance needed by those that haven’t yet escaped their Abuser… Rising above and beyond from circumstances that breathed danger at every turn, YOU, are the Hope and Prayers answered by those that wait for The Moment of clarity and courage to get away… Praying that your Dad is profoundly touched by this presentation of what is within your heart and soul and that he will begin to “see & hear” in a new light… Shine On, please, this world is in dire need of hero’s and that you are! God bless you and yours, always~
Nanette, The world needs your kind of love. Thanks for sharing so openly! xo
Dear N,
Maybe because of what he did to you, you have moments when you don’t feel like you deserve any better or you are doubting yourself and your decision. So let me tell you (because I am out of this story and can think without with the emotional involvement): You are amazing, you deserve the best, no one under no circumstances deserve what happened to you. If you father thinks all your ex did was a mistake then let his mistakes where they are (with him). You don’t have to take the risk to die or endure any of this behaviour. Let me tell you that you are a wonderful human being. I don’t usually post comments that much on the Internet … another piece of evidence I am really meaning what I am saying to you. All the best, lots of luck and courage and lots of love. Marina xx
Marina,
It means a lot that you took the time to write when it is unusual. You knew N needs your words of caring and love. She does. She is amazing and she does deserve the best! Thank you sooooo much!
Kim shared this and hearing Nikki’s story has me flummoxed. My heart goes out to her and I really hope she can get beyond this soon. A better life awaits her. Joy and happiness are just around the corner and all she need do is cut him loose!
Hi Monica!
I’m missing you! I’ll have to head over to give you a visit today! You remember the story from the beginning. N is still working hard to heal from so much trauma in her past. Your words are so healing. I wish she could cut him loose. That would be the best. I told her to warn everyone and then cut him off. He WILL go after her family, though, especially the kids to get to her. This complicates it.
If life were simple, it would be so easy!
Dear Jodi,
my ex-husband beat me, raped me and sodomized me. He also gave me HPV…in those years no one, not even doctors talked about all this. I ended up with early stages of cervical cancer, overcame that and after many many times of leaving…I FINALLY LEFT. I went to my parents. My Father was Horrible..’YOU MADE YOUR BED, LIE IN IT’…he was very unsupportive, letting me and my children know, we were inconveniencing him. Unknown to me, I found out in court….my own Father negotiated with his lawyer.
That did NOT stop me. I went on to charge him with many different things, sometimes he only got a slap on the wrist…but I stayed on my path, even telling off a Supreme Court Justice when she told me. “You are Beautiful, just put locks on the bedroom door and do what he says…otherwise you will be poor”……
Well Jodi, finances have always been meager and now over 30 years later, he is fighting to stop me from getting my full Old Age Security. Families are created in Hollywood…NEVER, NEVER return to your X. I was the first person in Ontario to get a Supreme Court order for NO ACCESS regarding the children. I was the voice in, with 3 different accents for “BREAK the SILENCE CAMPAIGN”…
Courts are still too lenient…lawyers are too blasé and greedy…maybe Jodi there will be a ground swell of voices…women have been still too silent.
Give your friend a giant hug, tell her she is a LIGHT amongst the dark….make herself brighter, stronger and learn to LOVE HERSELF!!!! I am just learning…doing Louise Hay’s Mirror work, listening to you….but we need THOUSANDS of us to bring forth a deafening cry….Miracles Happen…..
Shaman5
Shaman5,
You courage is filling me up right now. I’m curious how you sustained yourself through it all. Hopefully you’ll tell us and I can share it with the many women that I meet with. Thank you for doing the Break the Silence campaign. And for helping so many woman who haven’t had a voice, speak through you. Keep speaking out. And let me know what else I can do!
Love,
Jodi
You are so strong for leaving, so brave and so right. I admire you and your strength. You are setting a great example for your children by leaving and staying by this belief even if loved ones disagree. What an amazing thing to do. I would also like to say that there are so so so many people out there that are behind your decision, so many that are in awe of you. Every decision, heartache and difficulty has led you to this point. You are ready. I believe in you.
Thanks so much, Murray for adding your voice. It means more than you know!
Dear N
Thanks for sharing your story. Always remember you have a heavenly father who loves you, is always there for you and will never leave you. You have already overcome so much in life and have made so many positive changes. You have faced your greatest fears and are working hard to not believe all the lies you have been told and experienced. One day at a time, I pray you will have the strength, courage and peace to continue on your journey..
Thanks Vivian for seeing N. She is not invisible with you in the world! xo
Dear N,
I know that you want your father’s love, validation and support. But you don’t NEED him. You are strong and whole and vibrant. You probably feel broken, but you are not. The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is to take care of yourself and stay away from any toxic relationships, especially your abusive husband.
Your father clearly doesn’t understand. It’s not his fault. It’s heart-wrenching and painful to you, but for some reason he just does not see that you are better off alone than with an abuser. He is acting through fear and you can’t change him, only he can change. I hope that he sees this or other information on domestic violence and he begins to understand and give you the support you deserve. But if he doesn’t – your healing does not depend on him.
Believe in yourself. Believe in all of the people who want you to prosper and become whole. We believe in you. If I knew you, I would hug you and tell you not to give up. And I would tell you to take care of you! Make choices based on love. Love for yourself. Love for your children.
Never give up.
You already made the hardest decision, to leave an abusive relationship. Keep up the good work! Rest when you need to rest. Love your children. Remember that the universe loves you. You are worthwhile. You are as worthwhile as every other human being on this planet.
Never give up.
Jenny, N would love your hug mist of all. Thanks for sending it. She is very sensitive and can feel it from the distance. (She feels my hugs from a distance! She is so worthwhile. Thank you for speaking such love to her. I wish you could meet her. Everything you say about her is true! xo
Wow Nikky, I hope you know how lucky you are. It would mean so much to have just one person notice me. Your story, your heartache, your pain being validated this way is truly a gift that most domestic abuse survivors will never see. The outpouring of support is mind boggling to me. Support is vital for victims & survivors of domestic violence. Yet most go on for the sake of their children alone, without one person noticing or supporting them. There are over 20,000 people following this account. Over 20,000 people are being encouraged to show you support and give you a hug. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. I hope the sharing of your story and it’s message, brings you the support that you need and deserve. I hope this chain of awareness, support and hugs goes on to raise awareness for all victims and survivors.
Jodi, good soul, thank you so much for your work.
N! You are so strong and whenever you don’t feel that way come back to this site and read the comments.
So so so much respect. Hang in there!
Thank you Erik!
Thank you Erik! Tht’s exactly what I do
I went through all the comments because it helps and it made me smile to see that is what you suggested in your comment. Had forgotten that.
It’s one of the hardest things to be “not good enough” for dad, whatever you do
It is. So hard not to define yourself through other people’s limits. So hard.
Thanks for helping me understand how feeling invisible can be one of the worst feelings that a person could have in the world. It reminded me of those certain times when my cousin seemed to reach out to me for help and I ignored her pleas. I hope it’s not too late to talk to her and confirm if there’s a need for us to hire a lawyer for domestic violence.