I hear a lot of domestic violence stories and the injustice always outrages me. This time was no different.
Every story of domestic violence breaks my heart.
Defeated, exhausted and devastated, N, who left her dangerously abusive husband three years ago, wrote me a few weeks ago and said,
“Dad wants me and X back together. He wants us a family. He even said he had a dream about X giving him a hug so he cried of joy and emotion. Dad said, ‘You taught him a lesson and now it’s enough. He is not that bad. He just made a mistake.’”
I read it and I couldn’t sleep. Feeling invisible is one of the worse feelings in the world. I was so angry at how my friend was dismissed!
It’s NOT fair!
Her worth, her potential, her intelligence, her health… rendered insignificant by someone who supposed to be the person who has her back. The isolation this imposed is poison to her already worn out psyche.
This was not OK. I can’t let her fade away because the world would lose an incredible human being.
Not on my watch. Domestic abuse survivors need community support. Their trauma and anxiety that they won’t be believed it palpable. This is a powerful and loving community here, who every day share kind words with me. I know you, dear readers, have the potential to lift her up with that thoughtfulness, exponentially more than I can do as one person.
I just had to share her story.
When you know, when you watch/read it, I’m sure you will be driven to give her some words of comfort and acknowledgment. You and I together can give her VISIBILITY! We can give her the emotional support that will make such a huge difference in her life.
Please watch the video, read her plea to her dad, and then, share some supportive words with N. We can never know a person’s story by looking at them. Most people smile through the pain, and then don’t get acknowledgment for their awesome feats of survival. This is a true story. The woman, N, is played here by my friend, Andrea Zona to protect her identity. Can you give a few words to her today? Especially if you are a father of a little girl. What might you tell her?
Domestic Violence Survivors: “Please accept me as I am.”
To share on Facebook: Cut and paste this link, or follow the link and click “Share.”
Find it over at http://myinnerchick.com, too! (I love you , Kim!)
I know you see how hard I am struggling to support myself and my three children. I’m working full-time despite my crippling pain. I know you see I need help. I do need help, but why him?
How could you tell me that it is your “wish” and your “dream” that I go back to the abuser?
How could you belittle the hundreds of punches, kicks, pulled hair, back-hands, and being bashed over the head as “a mistake.” How can you think two decades of daily physical, mental and sexual violence is “not that bad?”
What about the, “You’re stupids,” “You’re fats,” “You’re so ugly, nobody else will ever love yous,” “You f-ed up, agains,” and the, “It’s all your faults,?” What about the, “You are a dirty whores?”
Worse, how could you think it was simply “an error” that he made things up that I did wrong, and then, put me in the hospital after punishing me for them in front of my children.
How can you say that he “learned his lesson”
when he has not stopped harassing me, you, my sisters, my friends or my children for one day since I left him three years ago.
And when I was with him, how could you not come over and stop him? How could you have let me stay there so long in the first place? You saw the injuries. You saw what he did. How could you have turned a blind eye? How could you be the evidence that gave truth to his, “You are nothings,” “You are unlovables,” and his “nobody cares.”
You say you love me, and I know you believe and feel that you do. You think that you are asking me to go back in my best interest, but how could you not see that your actions tell me the opposite? I’m so confused.
You are scared for me to be alone. Your heart breaks to see me struggle. But, I need you to be amazed by how good I am doing despite my challenges.
I need you to tell me that I am brave and strong. Please hold me and tell me that it will be OK, that you are here if I want to talk and let it all out.
I need to let it all out.
I need you to believe me and accept me as I am.
Say how proud you are that I left and that I must never go back.
You may not even know this, but you are also scared of him. Just like I was. But I would have never turned him onto my children to get respite for myself. I would rather die by his hand than see him hurt one of my children. In fact, this is the only reason I am alive.
How could a parent advocate for me to go get more abuse? Allow him to kill me? Because he would eventually.
How could you sacrifice me to satisfy your anxiety? How can you continue to defend him and allow him to use you as one of his tools to get to me?
Dad, you wanting me “to go back” makes me feel absolutely invisible. I wish I could fade away.
I’m too tired to even tell you. I’m in so much pain, I can barely stand up. My cumulative abuse injuries have created pain I’d almost rather die than endure each day. But, I go on. For my kids. For you.
How could you act as if convincing me to go back would be your redemption?
I want to please you. I want to say yes for you, but really wish you could say no for me.
Daddy, I need you.
How could you not accept me as I am?
What do you feel about domestic violence? Have you experienced it? What would you say if it was your daughter, sister, mother, or friend?
Kindly add your own loving message to N…